Tory and Ali Screw wit Lord of the Rings
by The Great Tortellini
Summary: The amazing duo of Ali (Gollum) and Tory (Smeagol) is here! Or actually Middle-Earth to be exact. And you can bet that it will never be the same again! This story will make you laugh, cry, and have lots of BAD MENTAL PICTURES! FINISHED
1. Tory's Chapter 1: My Name is Mud

**          Tory and Ali Screw wit Lord of the Rings!**

**Disclaimer: We dun own them.  Neither do you unless you are J. R. R. Tolkien, who is dead.  Then you would be a ghost.  Never met a ghost, interesting experience to have, I bet.**

**A/N: This is a Mary-Sue! We are aware of that. We don't care if you don't like them.  Don't like it, don't read it. **

**And now to all the people who do want to read it: ENJOY!**

A flash of bright light. Pain in my head. I WAS having a sleepover with my friend Ali, but I didn't know where I was.  Or where Ali was.

OOF! Something heavy landed on my stomach and groaned.  There she was!

"Get off me, Ali!"

            "Sorry!" She got off. "Where the hell are we?" I looked around.

            "Oh my god!" We seemed to be in a very grassy, hilly area that was a lot different from my basement in good old NJ. "How did we get here?"

            "A flash of bright light, or so it seems." Ali responded.

            "You saw that too." I thought for a minute, then groaned. "Oh no. I bet you a million dollars we got transported to a fantasy book/movie/tv show and we are Mary Sues!"

            "No! Not a Mary Sue! Yeah, you're probably right because of the flash of light.  All Mary-Sues start off with a flash of light or an equally unoriginal beginning."

            "What books have you been reading lately? We MIGHT want to figure out where in the whole world and beyond we ARE."

            "I've been reading the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Does that count?"

            "I don't think so. But maybe we aren't Mary Sue's.  To be a Mary Sue you have to have perfect hair and eyes with an unusual color and you have to be wearing perfect clothing to match the surroundings." I said.

            "I don't think pajamas cut it for 'matching' the surroundings, unless we are in the Babysitters Club. Any way, your hair is NOT perfect! It's all staticy and sticking up at the back." She started to laugh.

            "Your eyes are still poop brown so I wouldn't be talking!" I smirked.

            "Oh, you are going to pay for that!" Ali ran toward me.  I ran away from her and tripped on a wonderfully placed rock.  I rolled all the way down the hill, much undignified. Ali ran to the bottom, laughing so hard she could barely stand up. 

            "Not funny!" I was covered in mud. Ali was not helping. She was gasping and laughing her ass off. So here I was in a weird place, in my pajamas and covered in mud!  
            "You are so stupid! You are covered in mud!" she managed to gasp.  
            "Hey, it's not MY fault the rock was there!" I got up frowning. 

            "Well it was, tough shit!" Ali was staring at something behind me. 

            "What is it?" I turned around.  There was something that resembled a big cloud of dust. 

            "Run!" Ali yelled, grabbing my arm. We started running.

            "What is it?" I asked.    

            "It looks like medieval knights.  Have you been reading King Arthur?"

            "No! Hurry, they're catching up!" It was true.  The people, who were on horses, were gaining on us.  "Ahh!" We started up another hill. It was steep. Ali was running ahead of me and was leaving me behind. Gr. We got to the top of the hill and realized that the riders would have us surrounded in another minute.

            "Hurry!" Ali ran down the hill.  I ran after her, hitting myself on another poorly placed rock.  I fell down yet another hill and got my clothes covered in yet another layer of mud.  I hate life. 

            I stopped abruptly, at the feet of what looked like a very large person from my perspective.

            "Tory, you idiot!" Ali whispered.  We were now surrounded by horses and very tall, very angry looking people.

            "We're in big shit now," I whispered back to Ali.

            The man in front of me started to move.

            "Maybe more than big shit." Ali said as the man lowered his very sharp weapon/object to point at my throat. 


	2. Ali's Chapter 2: Of Fat Horses and Men

******Tory and Ali Screw wit Lord of the Rings**

Ali's Chapter  
"What are two creatures like you doing here?" said the man.  
"Look, just get your fake assed spear out of my friend's face, and then we can talk." I told the man over looking us, and taking out my bow and arrow (they were located on my back).  
"Fine. As you wish, dear young creature, but what are you doing in parts like these?" he asked.

Tory then stood up with caution and looked at me, with a bright smile on her face.   
"Well look, we got to get this straight. We are not young creatures. We are humans transported to a place that is made up, which one we don't know. Could you help us?"  
"Maybe, maybe not, it all depends. Who are you anyhow?" the man looked suspicious.  
"This is Tory, and I am Ali. Now I will ask you the same old question, who are you?" I said forcefully to him.  
"I? I am Eomer, the leader of this horse clump. Why don't you two come with us, and we can get to know each other."   
"Fine, but I ride by myself. I'm not riding on that fat horse that you have over there." I pointed at a fat stupid looking horse that was eating grass.  
"Alright, you can take my horse. Toy, you can come with me."  
"Oh my god! My name is not Toy. If you were listening you would know that it was Tory. Get it right."  
When we got on our horses, we started riding due north, from what I could tell. I leaned over to talk to Tory. When she saw me, she leaned over herself, and in a whisper she said "Do you have any idea who this man is? It's Eomer, from The Two Towers. **We're in the ****Two**** ****Towers****!!! Can you believe it? I totally dig this guy. He is so hot!"  
"Whatever. I don't really care. Tory, do you know were they're taking us?"  
"I have no clue. They didn't mention anything in the book, except for the fact that they go kill the orcs that capture Merry and Pippin. Wait, that means we have to fight. Do we know how to?"  
"Probably, remember we're in a book, anything can happen. Since you read it, then you know what will happen next. I'm only halfway though with it."I made my horse go away because the one that Eomer was riding looked like it was going to kick my horse in the ass.Then I would get hurt and would have to meet Legolas with a broken nose.Not happening.****  
We went on for miles riding, and never stopping. Finally after what felt like ten hours of being in hell, we stopped. Then Eomer said "Orcs. I can see then, let's go!"  
I guess the orcs saw us coming, so they started to run faster. But no fast enough (ha-ha). As we enclosed in on them, I could see two little creatures on the ground. I looked at Tory, and jumped off our horses (but mine followed me, how stupid?) and ran toward them.   
"Hi Merry" Tory said.  
"Hola Pippin" I said.  
"Er who are you?" The one who I thought was Pippin said.**

"Angels in disguise. Now move before your ass turns into Uruk-Hai tribal delicacy." Tory said**.**

"Could we have some help?"They said.   
"Sure."  
We walked up to them and untied their hands and feet, and left the ropes lying on the ground.   
"Look, get into the forest, as fast as you can. Don't be seen by the horse men or the orcs. The men are killing the orcs. But, I don't think that they will realize that you are hobbits, so ran as fast as you can. That way, go now!" I said as fast as I could, gasping for breath.  
They ran off in the darkness, and all we could hear was "Thanks." Once we found Eomer again, we got on to our stupid, idiotic horses, and started out toward the rising sun. We hadn't got far when we heard a cry.  
"Riders of Rohan! What news from the Mark?"  
We turned around, and circled around an elf (who was really hot), a dwarf (who was ugly as my grandma), and a man (who looked a lot older then us, but hot).   
"Why was the sky red this morning? Whose blood was spilled?"  
"Orcs. But why would you even care if we will kill orcs. Anyhow," Eomer said, annoyingly**.  
"Will you just shut up about this "anyhow" crap? Please, you are so annoying. No wonder Tory loves you!" I turned to Tory to see her frowning at me. Then I whispered "I'm only joking. I wanted him to cut the crap, and get to the good part. I think I want to stay, and look for Merry and Pippin with Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli."  
"Sounds good to me." She answered back. "I also think he should cut the crap, so we can leave."  
"Did you find two hobbits there? They would only be Halflings, like children, to you." Aragorn said with feeling.  
"We did. We helped Merry and Pippin get into the Fangorn forest. We can help you find them. If it's okay with you." Tory said with feeling to Aragorn.   
"Just as long as you know they are alive. I think we would be more than happy for you to help us. We don't mind, right?" Aragorn looked at Legolas and Gimli with pleading in his voice.   
"Sure." Legolas agreed. Then he whispered to Aragorn, "You get the blonde one, I get the brown haired one."I don't think Tory heard them or she would have something to say.She gets very pissed when the guys try to establish male dominance.It just rubs her the wrong way.  
"Fine." Gimli said. "None for me. I'll just have to find another one."  
"May we borrow some horses though? We will never get into the forest in time to find them." Aragorn said, looking at Eomer.  
"Take these. One will have to ride with Tory, and I think Ali would rather to ride by herself."Aragorn took the horses, and I led the way to the place where the battle took place only a few hours before.**


	3. Tory's Chapter 3: Tory Discovers No Joy ...

Tory and Ali Screw with Lord of the Rings

Tory's Chapter 

Chapter 3

A/N: Ali, that was awesome! I love it!

We had been riding for so long. First riding with Eomer, then riding with Aragorn.It was hell.My butt had never been so sore.Yeah, I guess I like horses when they aren't pooping. I've taken some riding lessons when I was like five. But this was just awful. I think they made the saddle out of wood.Wood! Poor horse, poor me. Riding behind two hot guys was not the worst thing in the world.It's just the saddle was so annoying!

Ali broke me out of my thoughts.She rode up beside me on her wonderful looking horse.

"How's the riding going?" She asked smirking.She had taken riding lessons over the summer.Lucky bitch.

"Not my fault that the saddles are wooden!" Gr. It was nice being behind Aragorn though.He smelled like nice earth. Wonder what Legolas smelled like. We'll just have to find out. Hmm…

Ali was talking to Aragorn. "The forest is just over that hill."

"We should speed up.The Halflings will be very far ahead by now." Aragorn responded.No, not faster.Bouncing up and down is not fun!!Aragorn kicked the horse.I held onto him a little tighter.The horse started galloping.Help! I was all tensed up and trying not to fall off. I guess Aragorn could feel that because he told me to relax.I've been a hobbit girl before, but he has the sexiest voice. Yum!

"There's the forest!" Ali exclaimed.Yes! Let's get off the stupid horse! We came to a halt and Aragorn, Ali and Legolas jumped off like the amazing horse riders they are. Aragorn helped me off (what a gentleman!) Gimli refused to be helped.He tried to get off by himself but then fell off and landed in a mud puddle.Ali and I burst out laughing and Aragorn and Legolas tried to hide snickers.Hee hee, stupid dwarf.Ali managed to regain her composure first.

"The Halflings went that way." She pointed to where we had helped them through the forest.We walked into the forest.It was dark and depressing and forestey.I heard Legolas talking to Aragorn in Elvish.It sounded a lot like Latin. Shudder. I hate Latin. 

"You girls should stay close. It is very dangerous.Tory, take this staff. Do you know how to use it?" Legolas said.

"Hell no! What am I, Xena warrior princess?" I responded.

"You could have just said no," Ali whispered to me as Legolas gave me a strange look.

"I will help you to learn how to use it." Aragorn said stepping up. Ooooh, fun! Staff lessons. "But we cannot start now, we must be cautious.An _istari__ named Saruman has…"_

"We know. Don't ask how, but we know," Ali said.

Aragorn nodded and motioned for us to be silent and ready. They had their weapons at the ready.How the heck are you supposed to hurt someone with a staff if you have no magical talent? I wondered. 

Suddenly a figure surrounded by blinding light stood in front of us.Legolas and Ali let loose arrows. (But Ali's got stuck in the tree to the right of the wizard.Hee hee she needs lessons too.) Gimli threw his ax and I threw my staff (what else was I supposed to do with it?) The wizard blocked them. Uh-oh.He began speaking.

"You are on the trail of two hobbits," he began.I didn't really pay attention to what else he said.The extremely bright light made my eyes water. Aragorn was shouting at the wizard, then the light went down.I looked up. It was Gandalf!

"Didn't he die?" Ali asked me.

"Yea, I guess he comes back," I told her.

"Follow me." Gandalf said. We turned to follow him through the forest to god knows where.I just prayed to God we didn't have to ride any more.

****


	4. Ali's Chapter 4: Of Weird Lips and Fast ...

Tory and Ali Screw wit Lord of the Rings  
  
"Gandalf, what happened to you? Didn't you die while in Moria?" Aragorn ask.  
  
"No, I would tell you the story though, it's too long." Gandalf said. "Who are they?  
  
"Oh, they? They're Ali and Tory." Aragorn told Gandalf.  
  
"What are you doing here? How did you get here?" Gandalf said, turning to us.  
  
"Please Gandalf, the story is really long and confusing. Must we tell you? Not now, if at any time." I said to Gandalf.  
  
"Oh, cut the crap. Who you trying to impress?" Tory said to me. Thanks, great friend you are. I think she would know whom I was trying to impress. Hello? The hot guy standing right next to me (the hot guy was Legolas). You'd think she would know that. I mean, why would I want to impress Gandalf? Hell no, I wouldn't want to, but she might. I think her heart is set out for Aragorn (not Gandalf. I would hope not), but I'm not sure. Whatever.  
  
We kept walking until I could walk any longer. Thank god Legolas was looking at me because he told Gandalf that we needed a break. I think he look tiered too though. Whatever. I walk up to Gandalf to tell him something, "Do you think we could leave the forest? I mean, I don't think any of us can breath in here. You might because you were sent back from the dead, but why should you get to breathe in here, when we can't?"  
  
"Sure, I think that is the best idea you had yet (no shit Sherlock)." Gandalf told me. Oh, thanks. Hello? I haven't talked to you before now smooth one. For someone that is supposed to be smart. He just died, and came back to life. Does that give you special powers? I hope not.   
  
After I talked to Gandalf, we all agreed on leaving the forest. Finally. Once we were out of the forest, Gandalf did this whistle, kind of lame thing with his mouth. Not cool! Then mysteriously out of no were four horses came to Gandalf's call. I look at Tory, and she whispered, "Thanks for the idea about leaving the forest. Now we have to ride horses, just the total opposite of what I wanted to do."  
  
"Well, Tory, look on the bright side, you ass doesn't hurt anymore. Anyway you can ride with Aragorn, your secret lover."  
  
"Thanks bitch!" Tory told me.  
  
"No problem!" I smiled at her, and hoped onto my horse (in my talented way. (Tory happened to mention that in the last chapter. lol)) I love making Tory mad. It's so funny.  
  
Aragorn helped Tory onto their horse, and we started off. I was riding next to Legolas, who kept looking at me. Dude, I hate when people stare at you. It feels like you are taking their test of something. But after a while, I was deep in a really good conversation with him. He's so hot. I loved it when he talked, I don't know why. Just something about it. Well I won't go on telling you what we talked about because you might find it boring. Ok, let's get to the good part.  
  
We rode on for miles, non-stop. I could tell Tory was having the worst time in her life, but she had to realize that we weren't in the 21 century (where you could wave you hand and a taxi comes to pick you up). Oh well. After a long time, I spotted a hill in the distance (well, Legolas pointed it out to me, same difference). Gandalf then led us to the hill. Once we were very close, he said, "We might not be welcomed here. But that doesn't matter, for the king here knows me."  
  
As we got closer to the gates, I could see two guards talking to each other, and looking at us. Gandalf rode faster, so he could talk to the guards without us hearing (how rude). I lean over to talk to Tory "Do you think we get to fight, at Helm's Deep?"  
  
"Notice we are women, and women aren't allowed to fight."  
  
"Well maybe we can change that!" I told her, and rode as fast as I could to the gate.   
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Meanwhile, all this stuff is happening Merry and Pippin are riding on the back of a tree. What fun. (I wasn't with them, but I know this from reading the book)  
  
"Merry, why are we still on the back of a tree? Anyway, do you know were it's takin' us?"  
  
"Pip, just shut up! I think this tree just became my new best friend. Treebeard, are you taking us to Isengard?"  
  
"No, ass mouth. I heard what you just told Pippin, and I think it's wrong. I thought you loved him. The other day, I saw you sleeping next to each other. Don't diss your lover!" Treebeard yelled at Merry.  
  
"Sorry Pip. I guess he is right. I do love you."  
  
"Merry, you are so gay. Tonight I think I'm sleeping on the tree, not with you. Gross, I didn't know I was sleeping next to a gay guy. I think I'm now diseased." 


	5. Tory's Chapter 5: Ramblings of a Person ...

Tory and Ali screw wit Lord of the Rings

Tory's Chapter 5: Ramblings of a Person wit a Sore Butt

A/N: Ali that was great, but how could you make Merry gay??!!! No!!!!  I want to marry him!!!  I love him!!! He is so cool!!!

Disclaimer: We dun own them. We just like to play with them every once in a while. Heh heh heh... 

            Finally! No more riding! We were now in Edoras and approaching the Golden Hall of Théoden.  (Yes! I have read the books! Be proud! They are long!) We arrived at the door.  A guard ordered us to leave our weapons at the door.  Aragorn and Legolas looked suspicious, but Gandalf signaled that it was all right. The guard came to collect my amazingly dangerous staff.  (I probably could have hurt more guys with my knee than that stupid staff!)  Ali put up a slight fight when he took her bow and arrows.  She had him in a headlock within 2 seconds. She whispered in his ear, probably threatening him.  I didn't want to know.

            We walked in the hall.  It was BIG! There was an extremely old looking man at the end.  He looked like he was going to kick the bucket any minute now. There was an extremely greasy man in the corner who spoke to Gandalf and Théoden.  I could not hear what he said. It was evil, I knew that much.  Gandalf yelled something at him.  Théoden began to laugh.  That was even freakier than in the movie.  Suddenly a guard grabbed me around the waist. 

            "Yo!" I tried to get him off of me. It wasn't working! "Help me, you idiots!!!" Aragorn rushed in and knocked the guard out.  Super cool! He looked like he was going to say something, but didn't get the chance. The other guards started attacking us.  I saw Gandalf doing his spell thingy, but I wasn't paying much attention.  Too busy beating up (or trying to beat up) the stupid guards who didn't know we were trying to help. Ali was having more luck than I was, but maybe that's because she took kick-boxing lessons or something. I was doing better when I wasn't surprised.  And I had the "un"fair advantage of the "knee in the groin" trick. I brought down quite a few arrogant guards that way.  Then Gandalf finished his spell thing and Théoden got younger.  Grima looked very scared (and greasy). Don't get me wrong, evil people are cool (Malfoy *drool*), but Grima was so repulsive.  Shudder. Well, he got kicked out. I wasn't watching though. I was eating.  All that riding made me damn HUNGRY! Eowyn and I had a nice chat after lunch. She was really nice, but not exactly a bubbly personality.  More like a metal door, but who am I to judge? Anyway, she said that she and Aragorn would be happy to help me with my staff. *Jump for Joy!* This was actually not turning our so badly!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Next Day

            Edoras was not bad, but it was boring as hell! The schedule of the day: Gandalf advises Théoden; Eowyn flirts with Aragorn; Ali flirts with Legolas; Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, Eomer, and Eowyn talk about Middle Earth or weapons; Tory gets lost in big, grand hall while looking for someone to play Parcheesi with (no one likes it here! What is wrong with this world?); or Tory mopes (or has spaz attacks that cause her to throw things across the room while everybody stares at her). 

            Fun, right? I had no one to talk to.  Everyone was busy and nobody understood Parcheesi. I had had one "Staff Lesson for Dummies." It went well.  I now had the right stance.  Victory! I decided to stir things up a bit. Make people have a bit of fun in this pathetic life that they had. My chance came in the afternoon of the second day in Edoras. I had gotten lost again and I found a very interesting room.  There were all sorts of weird objects in there, like an embroidered dagger belt and other assorted things.  I was looking through them and a small ball caught my eye. It looked like a ball that you would play jacks with except it had spikes on it. They weren't very sharp, but they would hurt if you sat on them. Hmm…

            It was lunch time.  Lunch is very informal at Edoras, but we usually all ate it together. We being Ali, myself, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Eowyn, and sometimes Theoden or Gandalf would join us for a quick bite.  I sat next to Legolas, Ali having switched seats with me.  I told her that I wanted to talk to Legolas about something.  She wanted to sit next to Aragorn anyway and talk about how to hold a sword or something equally boring. Legolas got up to go get himself a second helping of food. I slipped the metal ball onto his chair and continued with the conversation, trying to look innocent. He came back a minute later. And was answering a question about arrows when he sat on the ball.  He let out a shriek. It was so funny. Aragorn, Ali, Gimli and Eowyn all had their weapons ready to stop the thing that was attacking Legolas. 

            "What is it?!" Ali shouted. Legolas turned around and looked on his chair.  He picked up the ball.

            "Would any of you have any idea what this is?" he asked threateningly. 

            "No," everyone but me answered. Aragorn took it to look at it closer. 

            "Tory, do you know what this is?" Legolas asked. 

            "Um…no." One of my weaknesses in life was not keeping a straight face.  I burst out laughing. Ali and Aragorn looked confused. "I put it there, I'm guilty, I'm sorry, it was just so funny…" Legolas looked really mad. "Uh-oh. I'm sorry, seriously." 

            "I'll get you for that!" Legolas charged straight at me. 

            "Oh shit!"  I ran around the hall, but there was nowhere to run.  I had to run in circles. Aragorn was looking very surprised.  I guess you don't see an angry elf chasing after an insane girl too often in Middle -Earth. Ali, Eowyn, and Gimli were in complete hysterics.  "Help me! Someone save me from this crazy elf!" No, they were all to busy laughing at me. I ran around the hall a couple more times, but my mere mortal running skills were not enough to match the elf. He was gaining on me. "I'll get you!" He was one foot away when I dived under the table.  He was too tall to fit under there, so he was trying to pull me out. I grabbed on to a strong looking leg.

            "Hey!" Eomer yelled, "Get off my leg! You fight your own battles!"

            "A little HELP would be greatly appreciated!" I yelled back, clutching his leg tighter as Legolas pulled harder. 

            "Ow, dammit!" Eomer cursed, then looked embarrassed.

            "Wow, you've been hanging around me too much, haven't you?" Ali said grinning.

            "Speaking of hanging, you are not hanging on me anymore!" Eomer pushed me off of his leg and into the clutches of that evil elf.  He grinned.

            "Ahhhh!!!" He was tickling me! (That is my other weakness.)  "Stop! Stop! I'm sorry! I swear! Let me go! Ah!" I burst into giggles.  The whole table was laughing hysterically now, even Lord Aragorn-of-the-Expressionless-Face.  It wasn't that funny! "I'm sorreeeee!!" My voice cracked so that even Legolas started laughing. "That's not fair!" 

            "Oh yes it is!" Legolas said.  He finally stopped tickling me. 

            "I only injured your pride a bit!" I said.

            "And his bottom!" Eomer joked. Legolas tried to look pouty, but it didn't work.  He looked like a sick dog. Ali and Aragorn cracked up. Legolas looked even more injured.  He then started grinning and took out his swords. He then put them to Aragorn's throat.  Aragorn stopped laughing.  

            "Do you yield, my lord?" Legolas asked.

            "I yield." Aragorn said putting his hands up. 

            "Hey, not so fast, elfie." I grabbed a (big, heavy, hard to ) sword and put it to Legolas's throat. Ali grabbed her arrow and placed it, point down, on my back. 

            "Don't. Touch. My. Guy." She whispered.

            "Are you threatening me?" I asked her, not daring to turn around.

            "You could call it that." God, was she arrogant, much? 

            "Never threaten a lady," Ali now had a knife to her back, courtesy of Eomer.  Weird, strange customs these people had. 

            "No discrimination, my brother. How many times have I told you that men and women are equally good fighters?" Eowyn placed a knife to her brother's throat. We were all in a very awkward positon. Suddenly, the double doors to the hall flew open and Gandalf and Theoden walked in. They stopped talking in the middle of their sentence and stared incredulously. 

            "What in the name of Helm Hammerhand is going on?" Théoden asked. 

            "The young and the reckless."  Gimli said, shaking his head.  We all put down our weapons, embarrassed. 

            "The young are driven by hormones." Gandalf said knowingly.  Ali and I looked at each other and tried to hide laughter.  Gandalf looked offended. We burst out laughing. Everyone stared at us weirdly. Oh well, this had been a very fine day indeedy! 


	6. Ali's Chapter 6: The Fast and the Danger...

Tory and Ali Screw wit Lord of the Rings  
  
Chapter 6: The Fast and Dangerous  
  
I woke up the next morning to hear Théoden yelling at the top of his lungs. Just shut up, I though to myself. Can't a girl get any sleep? I leaded over to see that Tory was awake too.  
  
"What is the matter with him? Why is he screaming?" I asked Tory, now starting to wake up.  
  
"I don't know. Something strange is going on." Right after she said that, the door to our room flung open. Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn were standing in the doorway.  
  
"Wake up. We need to go." Aragorn said to us.  
  
"But why? What is the matter? What's going on?" Tory asked him, looking starry eyed.  
  
"Everyone is going to Helm's Deep, for protection. You must go with them." Gimli told us.  
  
"No. We're staying with you, no matter what." I told the three of them. Then we started getting out of bed so we could get dressed. "Do you mind?" I asked all of them. Well, not all of them (ha-ha). I was really only talking to Aragorn and Gimli (ha-ha).  
  
When we entered the hall, we found everyone packing to leave. In the middle of the hall we could see Eowyn having a sword fight with Aragorn, and talking to him. Tory ran right up to Eowyn, and whispered something in her ear. What it was, I couldn't hear. I found Legolas in the corner of the hall packing up he's swords, and arrows. I decided to go talk to him, since Tory was being a poop and left me.   
  
"I can fight." I told him, as I walked up to him.  
  
"Yeah, I know. But you can't come with us. You must go with the other woman to Helm's Deep for protection."  
  
"What if I don't want to? What if I want to stay with you, and never want to be separated from you? What would you say to that?"  
  
"I don't know. I know you can really fight, I guess you can come with us. Do you remember what we talked about when I gave you bow lessons?"  
  
"Yeah, I practically memorized it." I said to him laughing.  
  
"Well, I will have to ask Gandalf. I think he will say no, but I will make sure he will let you stay with us."  
  
"What about Tory? You will ask for her too?"  
  
"If that's what you want, yes. I will ask for her too."  
  
"Thank you!" I kissed his cheek and walked away to go tell Tory.  
  
~*~  
  
We (Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Tory, and I) all hoped onto our horses. Except for Tory, she needed help from Aragorn. I nearly fell off my horse laughing. You think she got onto the horse so many times; she would get the hang of it. But no, she stills help (ha-ha). We started riding off after the people who were walking. I leaned over to talk to Tory, "Having fun?"  
  
"No. Why would I be having fun? I mean riding horses is even worse than running the mile run ever fall and winter in gym." Tory said, showing sore enthusiasm.  
  
"Sorry I asked. I asked Legolas if he could get us to fight. He said he would ask Gandalf. I hope Gandalf says yes, I really want to fight."  
  
"Sweet! Did you really ask him? You are the best!"  
  
"I know. But what if Gandalf says no, what will happen then?"  
  
"Well, I guess we will have to go with the woman in the caves of Helm's Deep."  
  
I saw that Legolas was off his horse and standing on top of a hill. Then I heard him scream "Wargs!"  
  
Then we started riding toward him, as fast as we could. While I was riding, I reached on my back for my bow and arrow. I could see the wargs running on the hill toward us. God, they need a makeover, or something. They were so ugly! I amid my bow and I saw my arrow flying in the air toward one of the wargs. I t hit it, and it fell to the ground with a loud thump. We started over the hill, and rode toward the wargs. I could feel arrows flying passed my ear. As the next arrow came I thought to myself, thanks for almost killing me.  
  
Once we were close enough to them, I took out my sword and beheaded one of the orcs on the wargs. "Look at my form. Damn I'm good." I said out loud, but not meaning to.  
  
I looked over at Tory to see that she was trying to use her staff, but not getting very far. I saw her almost fall off her horse because she was trying to hit the orc riding strait toward her (ha-ha). Then I heard her saying something, what it was I didn't understand. Then at the moment something green shot out of the staff, and hit the orc. Then the orc laughed, and almost cropped off Tory's head. If it wasn't for Aragorn, who fell off the horse and shot an arrow right at the orc's heart, Tory would have been orc meat.  
  
I turned around and looked in front of me. Then I took out and arrow and shot it at one of the orcs riding directly at me. I swerved out of the way, turned around and killed the warg the flung passed my.   
  
Finally, all of the orcs and wargs were dead. I turned around and looked at Tory. She looked shocked (haha). I rode my horse over to Tory "Where's Aragorn?"  
  
"He fell off the horse, and got attached to one of the wargs. The warg couldn't stop, and it took Aragorn over the cliff." By the time Tory finished her story, Legolas and Gimli had joined in listening.   
  
Gimli look at Tory and said "He'll be fine. Don't worry."  
  
"I know. We must now get to Helm's Deep for more wargs are coming." Tory told us.  
  
Leaving it at that note, we started after the people on foot.  
  
~*~  
  
I could see Helm's Deep in the distance. We were coming near. What fun! Not. We entered Helm's Deep to find my people sitting along the walls. They looked tired and hungry. Legolas came up to me and said "This is where many people go to get protection from danger."  
  
"Like refugees, looking for shelter from danger?"  
  
"Exactly. You go it! I got Gandalf to let you stay with us. Oh, and one other thing, your kiss was great."  
  
From that I started blushing, I could feel it. Then I started riding faster, because I didn't want him to see me blushing.  
  
~*~  
  
Helm's Deep was nothing like I had expected. It was greater. I kept winding up and up, until I got to these huge doors. I hoped off my horse, and walked inside. It was almost like the hall in which Théoden lived. As I closed the doors behind me, I guess I slammed it too hard, and it fell right off its hinges. With that I ran into the hall, making it look like I never went near the doors. After about ten minutes Tory and Legolas walk into the hall. They found me in the corner of the hall, so they came over to me.  
  
"So, do you like it here?" Legolas asked me.  
  
"I guess, if you like to be crowed." I answered him.  
  
"Yeah, I guess. My ass hurts; I swear I will never ride a horse again." Tory complained. She walked off to go find a cushion somewhere in the hall. I didn't expect her to find a cushion, because all the chairs were wood. I started outside when I heard I voice call me "Ali, come here." It was Eowyn.   
  
"Hi. You called." I said to her with a smile.  
  
"Where's Aragorn. He told me he would see me here."  
  
"Did Tory tell you nothing? Number one, he's not here but he will be here later tomorrow night. Also did Tory tell you to stay away from her man?"  
  
"Well yeah, but I wasn't really listening. I was looking at his hot face (drool)."  
  
"Did he really tell you he would be meeting you here?"  
  
"No, I just kind of, er, made it up. You know. But why would you care if he never told me."  
  
"Because I don't want you spreading the wrong info, about what someone said or didn't say."  
  
"He told me he liked Tory, last night." I saw startled by a voice that came from behind me. It was Legolas. "So girl, I think you're out of the game." He said to Eowyn.  
  
"Get it? Cry him a river, build him a bridge, and get over it." I told her. I looked at Legolas, who was trying not to laugh, but doing a really bad job of it.  
  
"What did you just say? I'm not cry, building, or get over anything! He's my man and that's that girlfriend. Now will you keep you snotty attitude to yourself, or I will be forced to do something really bad to you." She said in a valley girl ascent.  
  
"Never threaten her." Legolas said, losing his I'm about to die laughing face. At the moment I could see that Legolas had his bow and arrow pointing right in the center of her dirty, disgusting face.   
  
"Legolas, it's ok, I can handle this. Don't worry. I have no reason to use weapons. Please put it away." I told him, thinking of my next diss to give to Eowyn. "Eowyn, you should wash out your attitude, or it's going to robe on your clothes. I don't think you want that to happen. No one will want to talk to you." Then I leaned in to whisper to her. "Don't act so rude around him. Him might think your upsetting me and point an arrow at your head again. I won't be so fast to save you the next time if it happens. Get it?" After saying that, she walked away, with an I've got an attitude with everyone look.  
  
"What was that about?" Legolas asked me.  
  
"Just a little girl talk. You know; nothing insulting. Don't give me that look Legolas. Don't worry." He gave me one of his looks like, oh my god are you ok; next time let me protect you. Tory finally walked back into the hall cushion less.   
  
"What's the matter with you guys?" She asked us with a look like, something wrong is here I want to know what it is.  
  
"We just saw the true side of Eowyn. You know nothing big. Legolas here wanted to save me. But I knew I could get rid of her. Know what, it's a long story." I said to Tory with a look like, I will tell you all of it later. Legolas went up to me whispered "I'll let you talk. Sorry about the whole bow thing. I only wanted to protect you." Then he kissed my cheek and walked away. I stood there watching him walking away. Then I started to tell Tory about what happened. 


	7. Tory's Chapter 7: Fun with Swords

Tory and Ali Screw Wit LotR  
  
A/N: Ok I have a trivia question for anyone that has seen TTT. What is the name of the kid that Aragorn talks to right before the battle of Helm's Deep? It's like Haleth son of Hamilmane or Hammermane or something, but I'm not sure and I need to know for (another) LotR fic. Please help! I'm really desperate! P.S: this is my faaaaavrite chap, although Ali thinks that I have a really sick mind. Well, screw her. (Just kidding, I love u Ali. Not like that.. You people have slashy minds.oh that was me.sorry.)Well, I love it!  
  
Chapter 7: Fun with Swords  
  
I was seriously depressed. Ali and Legolas were all over each other. It was disgusting. It's like: Go get a room, go get a life, go get a dark corner, go get something so I don't have to watch you eat each other's faces. Aragorn was gone. I wasn't even sure if he liked me at all. He was so silent. Ali was sure that he did, but I didn't think so. Maybe I could stay with Eomer. Then I could get away from Ali/Legolas and Eowyn drooling over Aragorn. Eomer seemed nice enough. He was putting on the charms quite hard. First me, then Ali, then back to me when Ali rejected him. But he was gone now too. Even Gandalf was gone! He was old, but he taught me some very useful staff tricks. There was NO ONE to talk to. I decided to go down to visit the women in the lower part of the fort.  
  
I was put busy for about an hour playing with children and babies. I love kids. They cheer me up. Then, Ali came down to visit me.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked.  
  
"I'm helping out the refuges. Look at them. They are terrified. They could all die tonight." The refugees were dirty and exhausted. A lot of them were crying because they had lost close friends and relatives to the Warg attack.  
  
"They have a hard night ahead of them." Ali said sadly.  
  
"I know."  
  
"I was looking for you. Legolas wants you and me to come up to the tower and practice sword fighting." She smiled, thinking of her elf.  
  
"Sure, whatever," I agreed.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Low block, high block, parry, thrust! Very good, Ali! All right it's your turn, Tory. Low block, high block, parry, thrust! Excellent! You certainly are improving." Legolas was teaching us sword fighting. I had improved a lot in the hour and a half that we had been doing it for, but I needed a rest.  
  
"Legolas, timeout! I need a break!" I slid to the floor. Ali followed suit and offered me a drink from her canteen. I sniffed it. It was water (thank God, you never know what kind of gross concoctions these Middle Earth people have!) I drank some. I didn't keel over choking. So far, so good!  
  
"Hey, I'm going to look around downstairs. Gonna bust out of this joint and rustle up some grub. Emily style!" I grinned. Emily was a crazy friend of ours. Ali started laughing and Legolas looked confused. I left Ali to explain.  
  
~*~*~  
  
I was going down when I bumped into Eowyn. "Oh, hi Eowyn! What's going on?" She glared at me.  
  
"What would YOU like to know?" She said nastily. I was taken aback.  
  
"I was wondering where I could get some food." I said confusedly.  
  
"Leave it all to the poor refugees. YOU certainly don't need any more food!" She walked away in a huff.  
  
I stared after her. What was HER problem? I had a feeling it had to do with Aragorn and jealousy and maybe a bit of Ali. Well, girl, you can have him! It's not like he cares about me! I decided I wasn't hungry anymore. I headed toward a room that I knew was going to be empty. There was a wooden sword practice target thing in there that I would take my anger out on.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Block, Parry Thrust!! I thought. The wooden practice target probably wasn't going to be much of a target practice any more. Damn, I need anger management more than Eminem! I thrust my sword at it again, almost hacking it to bits.  
  
Suddenly I heard a voice behind me that almost scared me to death. "You fight with a ferocity that most would love to have." I whirled around.  
  
"Oh it's you." It was Aragorn. "You're back."  
  
"You don't sound surprised." he said.  
  
"No. Let's just say that I know the future." I said sarcastically.  
  
"You seem to know much that we do not. I have seen it in your eyes. Ali also knows much." he said.  
  
"Yeah, we do. But we cannot tell you what will happen. Ali already has, but we should not. It will disrupt the balance in your world." I said seriously.  
  
"You know how this war will turn out?" he asked  
  
"Yes. I will not tell you though."  
  
"I understand." He was silent, then smirked. (A/N: Yes Aragorn smirked! Let's hear that collective gasp!) "Have you been having fun without me? I've seen you eyeing all those Rohirrim."  
  
I gasped. "You arrogant pig! How dare you say that!" I rushed at him, sword drawn. Of course he is not heir to the throne of Gondor for nothing. He blocked my blow and placed one of his own. It mad my arm tingle. I blocked, parried and thrust, just like Legolas taught me (though I don't think that he thought I would be fighting his "king" (A/N: God that sounded slashy!))Aragorn stumbled backward. Ha! I was going to teach THIS arrogant pig a lesson! He came up suddenly with a strong blow. He was faking when he stumbled backward. That.  
  
A sword snaked up to my throat. "You bastard!"  
  
"You are very forward for a girl with a sword at her throat. I could kill you." He smirked again. He was holding me so that I had my back to him and the sword was at my throat. I couldn't move without cutting myself.  
  
"You wouldn't. You wouldn't kill me." I retorted.  
  
"Oh yes? What makes you so sure?" He pressed the blade to my throat making beads of blood run along the sword. I gasped. It didn't hurt that much but I never expected this from Aragorn.  
  
"You would kill me?" I sensed him smile. He knew I was less sure.  
  
"I might. Take back that 'arrogant pig' comment."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Take it back!" Aragorn pressed the blade harder. More of my blood ran down the shiny silver, staining it. It hurt now.  
  
"You must redeem yourself first."  
  
"How am I to do that?"  
  
"Figure it out!" I was getting mad again.  
  
"Don't talk to me that way!" He pressed the sword to a non-bleeding part of my throat.  
  
"I don't know! Do something nice to me! Let me go!" I yelled.  
  
"You should not be so assertive. I am the one with the sword." Thank you, Captain Obvious. "I know what I can do. But I am not sure if it will redeem me." He spun me around, keeping the sword to my throat. I was now looking into his eyes. They were unreadable. I stared defiantly back. He kissed me. It was a hard and demanding kiss. It was also WOW! But I wasn't going to let him know that.  
  
He looked at me. "What do you think?"  
  
"I think that you aren't as good a kisser as they think you are." I said.  
  
"Is that so? Well we will just have to prove them wrong." Aragorn kissed me again. Real kiss. Wow.  
  
"Now what do you think?" He smirked again.  
  
"Stop smirking, you egotistical." I didn't have time to finish my sentence. He swung me around. My head was parallel to the ground.  
  
"Remember, I still have the sword."  
  
"How could you."  
  
"I know you like it. Don't lie to me."  
  
"What if I do? What's it to you?" I replied.  
  
"You should not ask questions. You might make me angry and then I will have to punish you." I shivered. He sounded so. Oh My God. I loved it.  
  
"You want punishment?" he continued.  
  
"No."  
  
"Don't lie to me."  
  
"Yes?" I am a sick, sick person. He pressed the sword to my throat harder. My blood was running freely now. It stained his cloak as he kissed me again. Bloody amazing kisser. We continued like that for about ten minutes when I realized how late it was getting.  
  
"Aragorn." He didn't answer. He was mumbling Elvish in my ear. Do you know how sexy that is? "Aragorn, Ali will be looking for me. I have to go." He stood up. "I'll see you later then?"  
  
"Yes. Sooner rather than later, I hope." He replied.  
  
~*~*~  
  
I walked into the Great Hall. Ali saw me and she gasped, running over to me. Legolas was right behind.  
  
"Oh My God!! What happened? Are you hurt? What's wrong?" She said hysterically. I hadn't realized how I actually looked. My throat was bleeding and blood stained my collar. "Who did it? I'll kill them!"  
  
"Aragorn." I said.  
  
"That mother-fucking.." Ali said.  
  
"Where is he?" Legolas demanded.  
  
"In the sword room. Why?" I said, confused. Legolas ran off. What was he doing? Oh no! He thought Aragorn did it to hurt me!  
  
"Legolas wait! You've got it wrong!" But he was already gone. "Ali, we have to go after them! He might hurt Aragorn!" I said starting to run off. She grabbed me.  
  
"What's it to you? He hurt you. He's going to pay!" Ali said furiously.  
  
"No! It wasn't like that! Here, come on, we have to go!" I explained it to her as we ran up the stairs. We got to the top of a staircase when she grabbed me.  
  
"You liked it?" She asked with her mouth open. I nodded. "You sick, sick person. You are so SICK! I am diseased just even thinking about it!" I grinned.  
  
"It was fun as hell though! Come on we have to before they kill each other!" I started to run up yet another staircase with Ali right behind.  
  
~*~*~*~ From Legolas's POV sort of:  
  
Legolas ran up the stairs to the sword room. His mind was in turmoil. This was his one of his closest friends and he had done something to hurt a maiden. How could he have done this? I thought I knew him so well, Legolas thought. Tears blinded his eyes. How can he live with this? Legolas burst into the sword room. There was Aragorn, cleaning innocent blood off of his sword, looking normal.  
  
"You are worse than a Yrch." Legolas said bitterly. Aragorn looked up.  
  
"Oh, hello Legolas," he said and went back to cleaning his sword.  
  
"How can you stand there like that with an innocent maiden's blood on your sword and tell me 'hello'?" Legolas demanded. Aragorn looked down at his sword then back at his friend.  
  
"No, Legolas, you misunderstand-" he was cut off.  
  
"How can I misunderstand? Tory came down into the Great Hall with blood all over herself. I asked her who did it and she said you. What is there to understand?" Legolas was advancing on Aragorn with his swords drawn.  
  
"Legolas, she liked it!"  
  
"You main her and you say she liked it!" Legolas had his swords to Aragorn's throat now.  
  
"She did! Go ask her!" Aragorn protested futilely. The door burst open. It was the girls.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"Drop your sword, Legolas! Don't you dare hurt him!" I shouted. Legolas looked surprised.  
  
"He has hurt you! Don't you care?" Legolas said forcefully. He didn't move his sword one inch.  
  
"What? I wanted him to! I liked it!" I shouted, blushing.  
  
"What?!" Legolas looked confused. Aragorn smirked.  
  
"I told you!" he said, "This 'innocent maiden' you think Tory is may not be as innocent as you think." Legolas looked queasy.  
  
"You liked it?" he asked stupidly.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Isn't she disgusting?" Ali said. "Oh my god, you people are so sick! Come on Legolas; let's leave these sick people to their sadistic minds!" Ali and Legolas walked out holding hands and looking lurgy. Aragorn walked over to me.  
  
"You liked it?" he asked.  
  
"Yes! How many times do I have to say it?" I demanded.  
  
"Would you like more?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, just without the sword. My neck is a little sore." I said.  
  
"All right then," he said as he pulled me into another kiss. This Middle-Earth business was great! Swords are VERY good things. 


	8. Ali's Chapter 8: The Battle for Helm's D...

Tory and Ali screw with LOTR  
  
  
  
Chapter 8- The Battle for Helm's Deep  
  
Now I was more scared then before. I really think Tory was losing her mind. What a sicko. I can't believe she liked it. How gross!  
  
Legolas and I walked down into the hall. I saw a look on his face like "oh my god I think I'm diseased for life."  
  
"Something is wrong with her. I mean, why would she have even liked that?" I said.  
  
"I don't know. Would you have?" he asked.  
  
"No! I mean why I would want to kiss someone that almost made my bleed to death, I don't know? I mean, holding a sword to my neck and kissing me, no cool!"  
  
"Oh. Did I look really shocked?"  
  
"Yeah, I could say. But you looked really hot when you had your sword to his neck. That look is really good for you. If you weren't holding a sword, I would have kissed you there and then."  
  
"Well, can we make up for that?" He asked me. What it meant, I didn't know.  
  
"I guess so." Right after the words came out of my mouth, he pulled me close to him. Then he kissed me in a way that words could never explain. Oh my god, it was so good. He's so hot (drool).  
  
After a long time of him kissing me, I looked around to see what was going on. Then I saw the sun set and something crossed my mind. The orcs were coming. I pushed Legolas off me and whispered in his ear "We must get ready. I must get to Tory."  
  
"Can I come with you?" He said.  
  
"No, I must go alone. But I will not be long." I ran in the direction that we had come for, dreading what I would see next. I flung open the door that Tory and Aragorn were behind, and saw them both on the floor. They would kissing like this was their last day together (it might be- I'm only kidding). "Sorry to break your little pow-wow chat thing, or whatever you were doing. But I need you right now Tory. Like this instance."  
  
She got up looking saddened, and followed me out of the room.  
  
"What do you want? We were just getting to the good part." She told me, looking mad.  
  
"What? Know what, don't tell me. I don't want to know. I really think I'm going to be sick."  
  
"Well get on with it then." She said, trying to rush me (grrr).  
  
"Guess what?"  
  
"What?" She didn't look anxious to hear what I had to say.  
  
"Orcs are coming from Saruman, from Helm's Deep, ready to kill all in their path."  
  
"I total forgot about the fight. We have to hurry so they can be ready." Tory explained, now getting into our conversation.  
  
"Yeah. BY now the orcs probably just left Orthanac (Saruman's tower). They travel really fast, and by day." I told her.  
  
"I know that already."  
  
"Well sorry I forgot you memorized each of the series from cover to cover." I told her, starting to laugh at my own joke.  
  
"Oh, you can laugh, but wait until I catch you." Only like a split second later, she started running after me. So, the smartest thing for me to do was RUN! As I ran I thought of who I should warn. Legolas? No, he won't understand. Aragorn? Defiantly not, I'm not stepping one step closer to him (lol). What about Théoden? That will work! Then I changed my course and started running to the hall. As we approached it, I paused but didn't find him. So I started running outside, hoping to find him. I pushed open the doors, and ran outside. Where could he be? I paused to look around, and fell flat on the ground. Tory was right next to me, and we started rolling down the steps. We stopped rolling, and I looked in front of me. We had stopped right into the feet of Théoden. Great, now he thinks we're stupid. Just what I didn't want when I needed to talk to him.   
  
"Hello?" He said looking down upon us. I kept my eyes away from his, as long as I could.  
  
"Hi! We need to talk to you. Like right now." I said to him, now starting to stand up.  
  
"Ok, shoot."  
  
"Well, from my calculations, there is about 10,000 orcs who just left Orthanac about fifteen minutes ago. Guess where they are headed?" I told him.  
  
"Mordor?"  
  
"No, you retard, they're headed here!"   
  
"They were made for one purpose to destroy all liking men, woman and children." Thank you Tory! Now you want to talk.  
  
"Well something must be done." I told him, trying to lead this conversation in the right direction. I could see Théoden was having a blonde moment, until his eyes lit up.  
  
"Helm's Deep is where they are headed? Then we should be ready to fight! Let's go." Thank you for coming down to earth. Hope you enjoy you stay at Helm's Deep, for what we know you do not. Hold on to your hats.  
  
~*~  
  
Night started to come, as the rain started to fall. All man and boys were lined up in the hall, so they could get swords.  
  
"Please everyone line up! Make sure you have five cents handy, because if you want to get a sword you must pay. But all most fight. I'm trying to make a profit here. Please don't line up all at once! These are valuable weapons found at Toys R us! Please no pushing!" Théoden said to a crowd of people not moving or pushing.  
  
"Tory, look at them."  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"So? They can't fight. I can see in their eyes that they are scared." I told Tory, not looking at her.  
  
"Thank you captain obvious!"  
  
"You don't like me because I'm in love with a really awesome, hot elf."  
  
"Well, well, you're just jealous because I have a man to hang all over." She said trying to find the words to say it.  
  
"Some man you got. He almost killed him. I'm sorry. But I think you're crazy. I'm leaving. I'm going to go find my hot elf. Goodbye!"  
  
"I'm leaving too!" Tory called after me, but I didn't pay much attention to it. I walked into the hall to see Legolas talking to Aragorn. Aragorn turned his head, looked at me, and left Legolas all by himself. Thank you Aragorn!  
  
"So, I heard what you and Tory did. Very impressive. I think you just saved Helm's Deep." He said as I approached. I leaned out and kissed him. I don't want to talk, just kiss me. Well that's what he did. For some reason I thought he was reading my thoughts, because he was looking at me in some way words could never tell.  
  
"We must get ready." He said looking into my eyes. Blue eyes are great! I want contacts!!  
  
"Ok, but I have to do something first." I left him, and started roaming around Helm's Deep. I was looking for Tory, but I think she found me first. I felt a tap on my right shoulder and I turned my head right, and then left. That was only something Tory would have done to me. I turned around. "Sorry." I said, now facing her. She gave me a look like I had taken the words right out of her mouth. "Let's go." I told her, and we started out for the wall.  
  
~*~  
  
Once we got to the wall, we lined up next to Legolas and Aragorn. I stood next to Aragorn and whispered. "Thanks." I said looking up at him.  
  
"No problem. Thought it was Legolas who told me to go away." At that I laughed, and couldn't stop. We took our spots on the wall. About half a mile away I could see the orcs, running toward us. I could hear terrible noises from them. They approached at a great speed. Finally they stopped about ten yards from the wall. If you looked out, all you could see was a sea of orcs. Aragorn then shouted. "Weapons ready!" I took out my bow and arrow, and pointed it at one of the orcs.  
  
"Hold on my count." Aragorn said. The orcs didn't move. It was like they were waiting for us to start this battle. But why wait, I do not know. All went silent. I was holding my breath, not daring to make a sound. It seemed like others were doing the same thing. Then I fell something swoosh passed my ear. It was an arrow that hit and orcs standing in the first row. The arrow hit the orcs neck, and he fell to the ground. Then it began. The orcs look annoyed, and yet angry. Then they started charging at us. Finally Aragorn yells, "Fire." You could hear hundreds and hundreds of arrows flying at the orcs. The first whole row fell flat on the ground. Then the next shift came.   
  
"Fire!" Aragorn shouted, and arrows flow passed us. The orcs had ladders, they were using to try and get up on the wall. About fifty were on each ladder. There were about thirty ladders going up all at once. Then Aragorn yelled, "Charge!" I took out my sword, and was ready to fight. I could see Tory's staff lying on the ground, useless now. Then an orcs jumped out in front of me, and I cut its head off.   
  
In the distance I could hear Legolas talking to Gimli. "Twenty four, twenty five." I guess Legolas and Gimli were playing a game of Who Can Kill The Most Orcs! I chopped another orc's head off, and looked at Tory and Aragorn. Aragorn seemed to know what he was doing. Chopping heads here and there. How cool! But Tory on the other hand was having some trouble. I think she was trying to recite what Legolas was saying when he was teaching us how to use a sword. I think she was forgetting lots of it. But in general, she wasn't doing so badly. Well, not really.   
  
I took out my bow, and flung and arrow at one of the oncoming orcs. They smelled so bad. Like go take a shower or something. I heard and orc approaching and circled while my sword was stretched out. I went in a circle until I killed about ten orcs. How cool! Yay, I'm doing something. Then I could see one of the orcs approaching the wall with a torch. Aragorn was screaming at Legolas to kill him. But each arrow seemed to do nothing. Then about three seconds later, the whole wall burst into bits and pieces. I saw about thirty men fly into the air.   
  
Just then, I felt someone pulling me. It was Legolas; he was trying to show me something. He picked up one of the shields that the orcs had. "Take this, and slide down those steps. I'll be coming down right after. So I slid the shield on the ground and jumped on it. I was shooting arrows as I slid down the steps. As I reached the bottom, I jumped off and took out my sword. I started chopping off orc heads. Shortly after I could see Legolas had make it down too. I didn't know were Tory or Aragorn was, I decided to keep chopping off orc heads. Then out of the corner of my eye I could see them getting up out of the puddle of mud they must have fallen into. Then I felt someone pull me again. It was Legolas, but this time he was pulling me to safety. To where I didn't know, but I just ran after him. 


	9. Tory's Chapter 9: The Battle for Helm's ...

Tory and Ali Mess with Lord of the Rings  
  
Tory's Chapter 9  
  
A/N: In case you couldn't ell we are kind of going by the movie not the book, even though the book has more to it. They changed The Two Towers so much!!! It's just sad. This is a bit more serious than the other chapters, considering it's a battle. I'm trying to make it as close to the movie as possible, but that's hard considering I haven't seen it in three weeks.(Oh my God!!!!) Anyway, here's the story.  
  
The Battle for Helm's Deep Part II  
  
Tory's POV of Helm's Deep  
  
I was the most scared I had been in my whole entire (short) life. There I was; standing on a wall top, in the pouring rain with my best friend, in a place that people read about, and a bunch of evil beings whose only goal in life was to kill us were marching toward us. I was having one of those "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas" moments. If I made it through this night without peeing in my pants, I would be one happy girl. Don't get me wrong, I am not one of those girls who jump at every noise and won't go through The Shortcut on Halloween when it is dark (coughEMILYJESSICAcough). Ali and I are pretty much the closest thing to fearless in our group of friends. But this was terrifying. An army of 10,000 was marching toward us and they were intent on killing me, my best friend, my 'lover', my best friend's boyfriend, the King, down to every last baby I had played with earlier. SCARY! I don't think I need to spell it out any more.  
  
They were almost here. They covered the horizon, muttering and chanting, marching and waving those awful flags. Curse Saruman! Well he would come to a bad end. Tory, shut up, you are revealing the plot.  
  
I could see that the soldiers, old men, and boys around me were scared. There were no women out except for Ali and I and maybe Eowyn. We had been countless times to go down with the other women and children. If so, then what was the stuff that Eowyn told Aragorn about "women learned long ago to use swords" or something like that? I had been refused a sword until Aragorn talked to the person who was giving them out. He made sure that I got a good one. Love is in the air! (Well you can tell that by looking at Ali and Legolas. They are eating each others faces!!!!)  
  
You would think that the Rohirrim would want more fighters. Every human (or elf of dwarf) life I could spare I would. They should be grateful, geez!  
  
The Uruk hai stomped and chanted. I hummed a song that I read on ff.net to keep up my spirits (A/N: I am sorry, I don't know who this belongs to, but if it's yours please tell me. I just know it's not mine!) To the tune of Jingle Bells:  
  
"Sinking in the snow, while Lego walks on top, They travel to Mordor, a bunch of them get caught!  
  
Bells on Bill's tail ring, Gandalf becomes white How fun it is to fight and kill in Helm's Deep here tonight!  
  
Jingle Bells, Pippin smells, Frodo's really short! Lego's hot and Gimli's not and Boromir just croaked!"  
  
Ali stared at me weirdly then burst out laughing, which caused other people to stare at us weirdly. Legolas said something, but I didn't hear it because the Uruk -Hai were really close and started chanting LOUDLY! They were only about 30 feet away from the wall. Suddenly a man let go of his arrow and hit an Uruk-Hai in the neck. It fell over screeching. They chanted and banged their hackers on the ground. Thump! Thump! It thundered in my brain. They charged. The battle was on!  
  
"Ready.Fire!" Aragorn yelled. Arrows whizzed past my ear. The front row of Uruk-Hai fell over, arrows in various body parts. Arrows kept passing my ear. While Gimli and I waited for the Uruk-Hai to breach the wall, we chucked rocks. We were having a game of "10 points if you hit it in the head." I had 130 points. Softball was very helpful in this world. I knocked one out. Score- Tory: 140 Gimli: 10 (it does help if you can see over the wall,)  
  
Suddenly an orc carrying a torch was running toward the wall. I could hear Aragorn yelling for Legolas to kill it. He shot it, but it kept going. It jumped and the wall blew up.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"Get up, you must get up!" Gimli was shaking me. I looked up groggily. I must have hit my head.  
  
"How long have I been out?" I asked.  
  
"Only a few moments." Gimli replied. "You must get up, they have breached the wall!" A bunch of orcs were running at us and the Rohirrim and elves around us. I held my staff. These beings weren't going to kill children while I was living. Plus, I was a Mary-Sue. What could happen to me?  
  
Whack! Thwap! I knocked over an Uruk-Hai. My staff lessons were helping. A bit. I was fighting as hard as I could. It was absolute chaos.  
  
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ali slide down the stairs on a shield, with Legolas close behind. Show off! (A/N: I bet you a million dollars that if she did that in real life she would have fallen off. I would pay to see that! That would be really, really, funny!)  
  
All of a sudden I came up against a particularly evil looking Uruk- Hai. I tried to knock him out, but it disarmed me. Then it grabbed me by the throat and started squeezing hard on my cuts. I struggled, kicking and waving my legs. My vision was turning black. I didn't want to die!  
  
A dagger came out of nowhere and stuck in the beast's neck. I dropped on the ground, breathing shallowly. I could see Aragorn's concerned face above me.  
  
"Are you alright?" he asked. I tried to talk but I couldn't. He grabbed my head and looked at my throat.  
  
"Holy Eru," he said looking shocked. "I didn't know it was this bad, I'm so sorry, forgive me." I smiled. Ali came up to us.  
  
"What's wrong?" she asked worriedly.  
  
"An Uruk-Hai was strangling Tory. She can't talk." Aragorn said.  
  
"Oh, don't worry, she'll be fine." Ali said. I grinned. She must have seen me smiling.  
  
"But her throat. I feel bad"  
  
"Don't. She loved the sword thing. Seriously." I grinned again. She knew me too well. Aragorn looked happier, (or at least as happy as you can be with a major battle raging around you.)  
  
Another wave of Uruk-Hai approached us. Legolas came over and helped us. We were fighting back to back in a square. I tried to remember Legolas's lessons. Block, parry, thrust! I killed an Uruk-Hai. Go me! I had no time to have a victory dance though.  
  
The battle went on and on. It was exhausting. Suddenly one of Theoden's guards yelled for us to come back to the gate or something like that. This was the part where Haldir was going to die! No! I knew I couldn't save him, but I wanted to. Aragorn yelled to him to come back to the place (I forgot what it was called). He nodded and then got cut by an Uruk-hai. I looked away. I didn't want to see him die. Aragorn rushed up to him. He grabbed him and Haldir died. Aragorn yelled and attacked the Uruks more ferociously than before. I followed the rest of the men and elves into the Keep.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Théoden needed help securing the door. They had a battering ram and were breaking the door. Ali and I followed Aragorn and Gimli out a side door. Aragorn and Gimli had their little 'toss me' speech while Ali and I tried not to laugh. Aragorn tossed Gimli and Ali and Aragorn leapt. It was terrifying. If I fell, I would land on top of a zillion beings who would rip me apart, then eat me as an appetizer. What the hell! I jumped.  
  
"Ahhhhhh!!!!!" I landed and started fighting. Adrenaline flooded through my body. "For Haldir!" I yelled and stuck my sword in an Uruk. We fought for our lives until Théoden yelled for us to come back. Legolas threw us a rope, but we all couldn't get on.  
  
"Tory and Ali, get on the rope!" Aragorn yelled. We obliged and Legolas pulled us up. (Strong man. I mean, elf) Aragorn and Gimli got pulled up too. We then ran to a place near the entrance of the caves. There were a few men there. Ali and Aragorn were yelling at King Théoden. I didn't hear what they were saying, because I was trying to barricade the door. Aragorn came up to me after having his little pep talk wit Théoden.  
  
"We are going to ride out. We need to take all the horses, so you have to ride by yourself." Aragorn told me. Fun. More riding.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I got myself settled on the horse. It was actually quite a nice horse, I think. It was sort of calm and these Rohirrim people didn't have wooden saddles. It was wonderful!  
  
"Ride on!" Someone (Théoden, I think) yelled. We were off. We burst out of the gates. Ah! It was day! Bright light and pain! Help!  
  
When my eyes got adjusted, I saw that we were going down a ramp (the one that Ali, Aragorn, Gimli, and I had been on earlier). The riders in front were knocking down the Uruks. It was a domino effect. Cool! As we were fighting in front of the Fort, someone white appeared at the top of the hill. Gandalf! With Eomer and his men right behind him! We were saved!  
  
They started running down the hill. We fought with all our strength and about 10 minutes later we had won! Saruman: 0 Good Guys: 1. Go us! I had to make up a victory dance after I got off the horse! I love winning! 


	10. Ali's Chapter 10: Of Drunken Hobbities

Tory and Ali Screw wit Lord of the Rings  
  
Chapter 10- Of Drunken Hobbities  
  
Victory was ours. After five days of fighting, the battle was won. By who? By who, I can't hear you?! Us, Helm's Deep people. I mean Saruman is cool, but sending 10,000 orcs to kill us, not cool. Everyone looked surprised to see Gandalf. I mean, I think it was mean how he left us. But he did help us win the battle (brain, stop!) Gandalf rode toward us. "So, what do you think?"  
  
"Very impressive! I didn't think you would get back in time." Aragorn answered him. Not really caring, but answering him anyway. Gandalf looked annoyed.   
  
"Gandalf, I don't think we really care. Can you give us sometime to think?" Tory told him. Gandalf look offended by that, but he rode away. Once he had gone, Tory looked at Aragorn, rode (or hopped. Well I don't know.) next to him. Then the next second later they were kissing (or trying to kiss) while on their horses. It was so funny. They literally fell off of their horses. I turned to Legolas, and we rode off laughing. I almost fell off my horse, from laughing so much. Legolas had to catch me with his arm. He's so strong. But I mean it was really funny; how could you kiss while on horses? I don't know, and I never want to know. I'm a civilized person who kisses on ground, thank you very much (unlike someone, who kisses people what almost kill them. cough Tory cough)! I jumped off my horse, and sat on a rock. Legolas did the same, but there wasn't another rock, so he sat on mine (rock taker, I'm only joking). He moved his face close to mine, but I didn't come. How was I supposed to know he was trying to kiss me? But after a while a got the point and kisses him (he kisses go well-drool).  
  
We had to leave, for Gandalf was going to take us to Isengard. What fun! We'll just let him kill us. I don't understand why we were going to Isengard, but I really didn't care.   
  
~*~  
  
It was late, but the trip to Isengard would be really long, so we needed a head start. We paused only once, for Gandalf was listening to something. What is was I could hear it, so I didn't really care (Notice- I never care anymore, lol). Finally after a long time of riding we stopped to rest our energy. I could see Tory was having a really hard time with the whole riding thing. I could hear her complaining about how much her butt hurt. "Go find a cousin then, Sherlock." I told her. Only, she took it the wrong way.  
  
"Well, I don't have a cousin, if you are so interested in getting me a cousin why don't you find one yourself?" She said screaming in my ear, even if she was sitting next to me. Legolas heard her screaming, and brought me a blanket. "You will need this. For the night is getting colder. Go to sleep, you will need your strength tomorrow." He told me. Then he kissed me on my forehead. "As for you Tory, someone could have heard you a mile away. Please, there is more in the woods than you think. I know that for a fact. I've seen it with my own eyes. Other things walk during the night, which I don't even know of. Keep quiet, and get some rest, you too. As I told you, you will need your strength." Tory then turned her head in various directions.  
  
"What do you think is out there?" She asked me, as Legolas walked away.  
  
"Walking trees, what else? I thought you read the book." I told her, now taking a look around for myself.  
  
"I did read it, but what else could be in the woods other than trees?"  
  
"I don't know. Flesh eating orcs?" I only said that to scare her, I knew it wasn't true though. I would be funny if it was true, then they could eat Tory (I'm only kidding). I then wrapped myself in the blanket that Legolas gave me. It was getting colder, but the blanket kept me warm. Gandalf woke us up at dawn. Not cool, I really was tired. But he didn't care. We hopped back on our horses, and went on riding to Isengard.   
  
~*~  
  
I could see Saruman's tower as we got closer to Isengard. It was so big! Then out of no where this hideous smell surrounded us. I could see Gandalf smiling, but why? I didn't bother to ask him. He looked the happiest in days. We entered the gate that was protecting Saruman's tower. It was very foggy, and there was standing water here and there. Out of the fog, we could see a go-cart approaching us (Tory and I knew who they were but no one else did).  
  
"Helloooooooo." One of them said to us, in a very drunk way. I think someone had a little too much alcohol to drink. Don't you agree? Then the next one said "Greetings from Isengard!" What another drunken hobbit!  
  
"Hello Merry and Pippin! It's great to see you again!" Gandalf said. Everyone was surprised to see them. No one said anything for a long time.  
  
"Having to much alcohol are we? It was so easy to tell that you two were drunk." I told them.  
  
"Please don't drink and drive!" Pippin said, getting out of the go- cart.  
  
"Well, I think you broke that rule, eh Pip?" I told him, while Merry go out of the go-cart.  
  
"Shhh, don't tell my mummy or the hobbit men (basically to make a long story short, hobbit men are like police men), they might catch me and put me in hobbit jail." (I will tell you what hobbit jail is, but I think you know it already. Hobbit jail is jail for hobbits except they treat the prisoners poorly, like we do) Pippin said, trying to walk, but fell over.  
  
"Don't worry, Pippin. If the hobbit men were after us, we would hear noises. No one knows we each had two bottles of wine each."  
  
"Well, now we do." Tory said to them. "I think I'm going to tell the 'what men'?"  
  
"Hobbit men." I corrected her.  
  
"No please don't. I'll do anything for you. Just don't tell them. Please!!!"  
  
"Enough with this nonsense! Where is Treebread? I would like to talk to him. Théoden, you will come with me too." Gandalf said, trying to put some sense in the hobbities.  
  
"Around there sir, dear-kind-white-Gandalf you would never tell the hobbit men, good Gandalf." Merry said, pointing around at Saruman's tower. "He's on the other side. Don't tell the hobbit men. I don't want to go to hobbit jail."  
  
"Ok, I won't. Get some food for them, and catch up on some things. If you can still talk by the time they eat." Gandalf said pointing at Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Tory and I. "Théoden, let's go!" We watched as Gandalf and Théoden rode away. Now we were left to face to two drunken hobbities. What fun! We followed the hobbits into a room house thing attached to the wall gate thing (I'm sick and I'm making no sense at all what so ever, so I'm very sorry if you don't understand what I'm writing.)   
  
"Sit down while we find you some food." Merry told us, but who could trust drunken hobbities. I guess we will be eating dirt, for they will probably drop the good food on the floor. They came back within five minutes with a hand full worth of food. They dropped the food on the table, and we began to eat.  
  
"Is this orc food?" Gimli asked, turning to look at Merry and Pippin.  
  
"No, why would it be?" Pippin asked, looking around the room.  
  
"Because when you are drunk, you don't know what you're doing." I said, now starting to agree with Gimli. The food tasted weird.  
  
"Believe me; I know this is man food." Merry said, looking at Tory's wine glass.  
  
"How can we? I think this food has a weird taste to it. What are you getting at?" Legolas said, after he tasted his food.  
  
"Nothing, its just food, eat it." Pippin said.  
  
"I don't think I'm hungry anymore." I said looking at Tory. "I need some fresh air." I told her.   
  
I left the table, and walked outside. I sat on the wall thinking for a while. Then Tory came out to talk to me.  
  
"We can't stay here. I know that, and I know you know that." She said, taking a seat next to me.  
  
"I know, but I don't want to leave. I want to stay here. What problems would it make?"  
  
"Lots; you would be interfering with the book itself. Well we already did that." She said while looking up at the stars.  
  
"If the book ends with Frodo and Sam, then aren't we in the wrong spot. We have to be with them. I have some feeling that if we don't finish the book then we will never be able to leave, but how to get to Frodo and Sam?" I told her.  
  
"I thought about that too. But I'm not sure. It'd not like we are going to magically reappear some where else. That can't happen. I think we will have to travel there. But how, I do not know." Tory told me, with sadness in her voice.  
  
"We most go then. Book three (the Lord of the Rings is split up into six books. But when they made the books, they put two together in each one) ends soon, so we have to leave." I told her, now looking at the stars too.  
  
"Right, but it would take us forever to leave and get to the Emyn Muil Mountains. Remember we are in Isengard, not Rivendell (According to the map in my book, Rivendell is closer to the Emyn Muil Mountains then Isengard; Mirkwood is the closest, but it is south of the Emyn Muil Mountains). It would take us forever to get there, and remember I can't ride as fast as you." Tory said looking around to make sure no one was coming out.  
  
"Do you think Gandalf could help us then?" I asked her, now looking into the fog.  
  
"No, because then he would know where Frodo and Sam are. In the book, he doesn't know." She told me, now looking away from the door.  
  
"Then we must go ourselves. I mean I love it here and all, but I'm starting to miss my home." I said to her, starting to get sad.  
  
"Yeah, I guess your right. We have to make it to the Emyn Muil Mountains, or we will be stuck here forever. I do want to live my life. It's neat to be in a book and all but I guess I want to get home too." Tory said to me.  
  
"I guess everyone is a little home sick in this book. That's kind of funny. Come on, let's go get ready." I said, starting to get up.  
  
"Ali, remember no one can come with us, ok?" She said.  
  
"Yeah, I know. But it's going to be hard leaving all this behind. I guess I can look forward to another adventure, but with different people. Come on, let's get this over with." I walked inside, to see everyone listening to Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Come sit down and listen to Merry and Pippin's story." Aragorn said.  
  
"We can't. We have to leave, right now." I said looking at Tory, who looked sad.  
  
"Why?" Legolas said.  
  
"We have to finish this book, or we will never leave. I'm sorry." I said, looking down at my feet. I couldn't stand to let Legolas see my face. I could feel a tear coming out of my eye. I walked into the other room, so I could find a towel to wipe it off. I heard foot steps coming in after me.  
  
"Here." I felt a towel come over my shoulder, and I wiped my face with it. A hand was on my shoulder and it turned me around. I looked into the face of Legolas. He put his hand on the back of my head, and brought my face close to his. He kissed me and I leaned back. It was too hard to leave, but I had to.  
  
"I have to go. You know that and I know that. Walk with me." We walked out into the fog. "I need a horse that can ride fast." I told him.  
  
"I don't get it. Why do you have to leave?" He said putting on a look like, why has this happened I don't understand.  
  
"We have to finish the book. I want to get home soon. Well not really, but I miss my family. You would too if you were in my position. I ask only one thing else from you." I told him looking into his gorgeous blue eyes.  
  
"What, I will do anything for you." He said bringing me closer to him.  
  
"Don't forget me. Now I must leave." His kisses me and I hopped up on the horse next to me. I rode back to the gate wall thing, leaving him behind me. I turned around once to look at him. He looked depressing in the fog. Damn, I don't want to leave him. Once I reached the gate wall thing, I hopped off my horse to get Tory. I walked in to see that neither Tory, Aragorn, nor Eomer sat at the table. "Where's Tory?" I asked Pippin.  
  
"What? Who are you, are you the garbage man? Here that this." He said while handing me his plate. I told it in my hand, and rubbed it in his face. When I put the plate down his face was covered with spaghetti sauce.  
  
"No, I'm not the garbage man. If I was I would be called the garbage woman." I told him.  
  
"Hey Merry look, I'm all dirty!" He said looking at Merry.  
  
"No shit Sherlock." I tried to say in a whisper, but it came out pretty loud.   
  
~*~  
  
Look I don't want to go onto five pages, so I'm going to let Tory tell you what she was doing with Aragorn. Well actually it doesn't interest me, so I'm not going to write it. Sorry about the length of this chapter. I found I was laughing while writing it. Hope you liked it. It's not that funny because I'm sick and it's not supposed to be that funny.   
~*~  
  
Tory looked back as we rode off into the fog.  
  
"Don't look back. It will only hurt you more." I told her, not looking back.  
  
"I know, but I'm going to miss them. They were so nice to us." She said almost starting to cry.  
  
"Well now they are just a mere memory. We have to get to the Emyn Muil Mountains as fast as we can." I told her.  
  
"Yeah, I guess so." We rode off into the dark, not knowing what we would meet next. Hopefully we will make it to the Emyn Muil Mountains, without being noticed. I figured we would go though Rohan, and pass though Mirkwood. The ride ahead of us would be long, put we will just have to suck it up. On the bright side we get to meet Frodo, Sam and Sméagol. As we rode on, I thought about what has happened to me. 


	11. Tory's Chapter 11: In which Tory has Lov...

Tory and Ali Screw wit Lord of the Rings  
  
Chapter 11  
  
I leaned forward on the horse, not really caring, looking kind of like Aragorn when he was going to Helm's Deep and he was half dead. Tory, don't think about Aragorn!!! I couldn't get him out of my head. I missed him like hell. When I had fallen in love before, I had fallen real hard. Looked like I had done it again. My thoughts went back to our conversation.  
  
~*~*~Annoying Flashback~*~*~  
  
(A/N: This is what I was doing that Ali did not want to write about in the last chapter. Just to let you know.)  
  
I was rushing around looking for Aragorn. Where was he?! Ali and I had to leave soon and I wanted to say good-bye. I probably would never see him again.  
  
I love him...I can't love him...I have to leave...Oh My God what am I going to do?! I thought hysterically. Where was he?! I heard a male voice from behind me.  
  
"Tory? Is that you?"  
  
"Oh, thank god, Aragorn, I need to talk to you!" I whirled around. It was Eomer. He looked sheepish. "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were Aragorn." There was an embarrassing silence.  
  
"Look.... I have to... tell you... something." He said haltingly.  
  
"Ok, shoot." I said.  
  
"I don't know how to say this but I like you as more than a friend. I know you like Aragorn and I am insanely jealous of him. If you ever don't like him, then I am always available." He said all in a rush. I was speechless. I didn't know he liked me that much. He must have noticed the look on my face.  
  
"If you don't like me, that's fine." He turned away. I pulled him back.  
  
"Eomer. You will be my friend for a very long time, if you want to be."  
  
"I would like that... a lot. You know I'm still open to more than friendship, though." He grinned shakily. I smiled back and then hugged him. He stared into my eyes, smirked, and kissed me. My eyes widened in shock. Eomer stood back, then smirked again. (These Middle-Earth people like smirking.)  
  
"That was nice." He whispered.  
  
"Hello... I AM dating!" I said in disbelief. He had some nerve!!!  
  
"Yes, she is." said another voice Eomer whirled around. It was Aragorn. "Please leave us."  
  
"Jealous, are we?" Eomer scoffed.  
  
"Yes and I have a right to be" Aragorn growled. "Leave." Go Aragorn, go Aragorn!  
  
"Well talk to you later, Tory." He walked away. Aragorn watched him go and then turned to me. "What were you doing with him?!"  
  
"We're friends, ok? He like me, but respects you enough to back off. Be happy."  
  
"He didn't seem like he was backing off." Aragorn said.  
  
"Just let it go! It was nothing. Don't you trust me?!" I almost yelled.  
  
"Fine, it was nothing, I believe you." He pulled me in for a hug and kissed my forehead. "I love you." I froze in shock, speechless. After an embarrassing silence, he pulled away.  
  
"You don't love me?"  
  
"No.... it's just saying 'I love you' seems to be such a big commitment. Love is a strong word. I don't want to be hurt with a commitment." I stuttered.  
  
"You don't want to make a commitment?"  
  
"No it's not that... It's just... I don't know how to say this, but I can't fall in love with you. Ali and I are leaving. Today. We're going back to our world. I'll never see you again. You have to get on with your life. You have to be king of fricking *Gondor*! You have to have heirs. And I am NOT the right person for doing that with! Pretend that it was a dream. I have to go now." I turned away. He grabbed me.  
  
"Do you love me?" Aragorn looked at me. His blue-grey eyes were expressionless. I stared at him in silence, fighting tears.  
  
"Do you?" He asked again.  
  
"Please don't ask me that." I turned away again. He grabbed me strongly, making me look at him.  
  
"Do you love me?"  
  
"Screw it all, yes!! I have to go NOW." I ran away, but of course everyone in this world is faster than me with the exception of Gimli, who was fat and Gandalf, who is old. Aragorn caught up with me.  
  
"Tory, stop!"  
  
"You're making it harder! I HAVE to go!" I walked quickly, head down, not looking at him.  
  
"Tory."  
  
"I'm LEAVING! Good-bye!"  
  
"TORY!" I turned around in astonishment. I hadn't heard Aragorn yell before.  
  
"Wha-?" He cut me off with a huge hug.  
  
"I will love you as whatever you want me to love you, even if it is only as a dream." he whispered in my ear. (A/N: Let's have a collective AWWWW...) I hugged him back.  
  
"I have to get on with my life and you have to get on with yours. And I guess I don't want to be a dream and I don't want you to be. How about just friends?" I said.  
  
"All right, friends."  
  
"Goodbye," We hugged again. I looked into his eye and wanted to kiss him so badly, but I knew that I couldn't. Then I ran off because Ali was waiting for me (and I didn't want him see me cry)  
  
~*~*~End of Flashback~*~*~  
  
"Tory, are you ok?" Ali asked, concerned.  
  
"Yea, fine. Do we have any food? I'm hungry." I replied.  
  
"We've got some apples, dried meat, bread and lembas. We should save them for later though." She swung the bag of food at me. I dismounted and grabbed the bag of food from her. I was starving!  
  
"Don't eat the whole thing! We have a long ride ahead." she yelled. She got off her horse and we had sort of a picnic. Then we rode more until night. Then we slept, taking watch hours (you don't even want to know how boring THAT is. I was out of good songs to sing in my head after about an hour) and got up and rode.  
  
To make a REALLY long story short, we rode and rode and rode etc etc. I think we rode for five days. I have no clue where we ended up when we heard voices for the first time in a long time. We dismounted and spied on them from behind a boulder.  
  
"Come back here..." Splashing drowned out the rest of the sentence.  
  
I looked at Ali. I could hear water! Bath time! Yes! I could finally be CLEAN! I jumped up and ran over to the river. I was tripped and had a sword to my throat before you could say "What the hell?!" Ali came after me and had an identical sword to her throat.  
  
"Tory, why do you always get us into trouble?!" Ali growled.  
  
"Oops," I looked up at my captor. It was a very short person with orangey hair. I would guess that would be Sam. He was talking to the other hobbit with dark hair (who would be Frodo) and looking at me.  
  
"Look, Mr. Frodo, we caught an elf!" he said excitedly. I heard Ali snort. Hey, who said I couldn't be an elf? Tall, blonde, blue eyes. I am elf-licious! So. I'm not exactly graceful, but that can be worked on!  
  
"What would an elf be doing this close to Mordor?" Frodo asked him.  
  
"She's sure as hell not an elf. Tory, an elf? She'd trip and fall before you could make her shoot the bow and arrow." Thanks. Some friend you are.  
  
"So this is no elf?" Frodo asked.  
  
"Right, ass brain." Ali shot back. I think she was a little bit pissed off about having a sword to her neck. She doesn't like swords as much as I do *grin*.  
  
"What is an ass?" Sam wondered.  
  
"Please, you don't want to know. Anyway, we won't hurt you. We want to help you. We know what burden you carry." I said. Frodo gasped and clutched his throat for the Ring. Sam waved his sword around, threatening us.  
  
"Calm down. We come from Merry, Pippin, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, who send their greetings." Ali told them.  
  
"Aragorn? How is Aragorn?" Frodo asked anxiously. My (slashy) thoughts immediately went to Frodo/Aragorn. (A/N: Sorry Nina, but you know I have a sick mind!)  
  
"He's.ok," I said, my thoughts going back to our conversation. I felt like crying.  
  
"While Tory goes off thinking about the problems in her love life, will you please let me up?!?!" Ali yelled. Frodo hastily removed his sword from her neck.  
  
"We don't even know who you are. Why should we let you help us?" Sam asked, looking suspicious.  
  
"I am Tory and this is my friend, Ali. We are from the race of Men. We met Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli and journeyed with them. We-" I was interrupted.  
  
"We don't need long, winded introductions, geez! We want to help you, ok! Get it through your small heads!" Ali yelled. Pissed off, much? The hobbits nodded.  
  
"You will have to let the horses go back. They will not last long in the labyrinth of Emyn Muil." Frodo said. Ali nodded. Hey, I liked my horse now! We'd been through a lot together. But I saw the logic in this. I hugged Umbar (the horse, whose name means 'fate' in Queyna) and shooed him away.  
  
"We probably should write a letter to Legolas or whoever finds the horse to let them know that we haven't died." Ali said.  
  
"Good idea." I replied. She found a piece of charcoal and ripped open the old food bag.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
To whoever finds this horse (preferably Legolas, Aragorn, and Co):  
  
We are safe and have found F and S. They are fine. We are traveling with them. Hope to see you again.  
  
Love Tory and Ali  
  
Lots of XOXOXO from Ali to Legolas  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Ali tied it to the saddle and slapped her horse, Hwesta ('breeze' in Queyna). She reared (the horse, not Ali) and ran off across the plain with my black Umbar close behind. I waved to them.  
  
"Why are you waving? The horse won't wave back." Ali said disgustedly. I didn't care. I liked my horse now. 180 degree turn; for a love-hate relationship.  
  
I turned and shouldered my pack. We were getting ready for a LONG walk. I turned to pick up my pack and accidentally bumped into Frodo. All of a sudden, I was hit by a green body. I felt slimy hands at my throat. I looked up into grey eyes I gasped for breath, and then darkness hit.  
  
A/N: Oooo! A cliffhanger! Suspense! You'll just have to wait to find out! 


	12. Ali's Chapter 12: Gay or Grey Hobbits?

Tory and Ali screw with Lord of the Rings  
  
Chapter 12- Gay or Grey Hobbits?  
I saw Tory fall to the ground, hit by something. I ran over to her, and saw that Gollum had fallen on top of her. I bent down, took hold of him, and threw him off of her. "Frodo, don't let him get it. He's looking for it!" I screamed at him, but apparently he wasn't listening. The next second, Gollum flung himself at Frodo, and now was reaching for his neck. I saw Sam run over to Frodo and pick up Gollum.   
  
"Get off him, you dirty animal!" Sam yelled at Gollum, as he tripped and fell back. Gollum was on top of him, and strangling him. Frodo jumped up, took out his knife and put it to Gollum throat.  
  
"Let him go, or I will slit your throat." Frodo said gaining a look like, this is my man; get off him. Gollum let go of Sam, and screeched at the top of his lungs. Sam stood up rubbing his throat. Sam went into his pack and found a rope. It was bright white, and it looked perfect. Like no one ever used the rope before. Sam made a knot in the rope and tied it around Gollum's throat. I looked down at Tory (who was still on the ground from Gollum jumping on her) who opened her mouth like she was going to say something. I leaned down and whispered, "Don't, you'll interfere with the process. If Sam doesn't put the rope on Gollum, then he will never be their guide. Don't worry, it'll come off soon."  
  
"Yeah, I know. It's so cruel though." Tory said. I guess she turned into someone who feels sorry for anything; from I don't care about you.  
  
"Tory, that's life. I thought you read this book. It happens, so suck it up." I told her, starting to get annoyed with her.  
  
"I did; that's like the twentieth time I had to tell you." She said looking up at Sam and Frodo talking.  
  
"Well you ain't acting like you read it. Start thinking about what's going to happen, not what cruel and what's not." I told her, now looking at Sam and Frodo for myself. They sat down on the ground and started preparing for a picnic. Great now I will be stuck with these two retards for the rest of my life. I left Tory to think about what I told her, and walked over to Frodo and Sam.  
  
"Do you think we should be going now? What if Gollum brought an army with him, just in case he got caught?" I told them.  
  
"I never thought about that before. Good thinking, let's get this packed up Sam." Frodo said to Sam, as he started to pack away the food they took out.  
  
"I miss the old days Frodo, just you and me. I wish they hadn't come, and then we could do the stuff we used to do." Sam said pointing at us, to Frodo.  
  
"I know Sam, I miss those days too. I think it's better now that we have more company. We won't feel as lonely." Frodo said, now standing up.  
  
"But Frodo, were you really lonely? If you told me sooner, I would have made it better. I'm so sorry, please accept my apology." Sam said.  
  
"Okay Sam, I forgive you. Let's listen to Ali and get out of here." Frodo said, now looking at me. After hearing all I could bare of their conversation, I walked over to Tory and looked at her.  
  
"Why are you still on the ground?" I asked her, looking confused (I can do the confused face really easily- Legolas taught it to me. Brain stop working, please) and yet knowing I wasn't.  
  
"I never thought to get up. I was startled by Gollum." She said, getting up (at last!!).  
  
"Okay, great. I convinced them to leave now, so get your pack and let's go. Come on!" I said at her starting to walk after Frodo.  
  
"Ali, don't forget I'm not the fastest walker in the world. Please you are walking to fast, I can't keep up!" She yelled at me.  
  
"Okay just keep walking. Or is that too much to ask of you?" I screamed back at her. I can't believe it, Sam is faster then her. I wish I had a horse, so we could get to Mt. Doom really fast. But whatever, I don't have one. I walked up to Frodo to talk to him.  
  
"What did you and Sam do before Tory and I got here?" I asked him, but I couldn't see his face.  
  
"Why do you want to know?" He asked me, kind of getting hurt.  
  
"Oh, nothing er, I was er, listening in on your er, conversation er, with er, Sam." I said looking down at my feet.  
  
"Well, it was nothing. I just have something for my gardener, you know." He said, having no problem admitting it.  
  
"That's what I though, haha! Go shorty, it's your birthday, we gonna party like it's your birthday. Score 500, I win!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.  
  
"What? I don't understand what you are trying to tell me." Frodo said looking even more confused.   
  
"Never mind, you wouldn't get it." I told him. I looked back to see if Tory was still with us. I saw Sam tugging on Gollum and Tory helping. Kindness goes along away (awwww, how sweet).   
  
"Try me." He said, looking happy to have a conversation with someone.  
  
"I just thought that's what was happening with you guys. I know you were getting down a little, you know." I said as a smirk covered my face.  
  
"Getting down a little?" He asked me, confused.  
  
"You know, whatever you gay people do. I don't know what you do, and I really don't care." I told him, looking into the darkness.  
  
"Oh, I see okay. I won't go there." Frodo told me.  
  
"Thank you, please I want to stay happy. I don't want to not take other step toward someone else, thank you very much (Aragorn- the incident with Tory- If you don't get it, read Helm's Deep again)."  
  
"What do you mean, by not taking another step toward someone else?" Frodo said.  
  
"You would never get it in a thousand years. It's a really long story. Yeah, you would never get. Oh, the memories." I said looking all starry eyed because of the memories of Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli.  
  
"What do you mean by the memories?" He asked me, looking sympathetic.  
  
"I met Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli before I met you. I said that only because I miss them all, well one in general, but no I miss all off them." I said, turning around to see that Tory and Sam had stopped. Ignoring what Frodo was about to say, I walked back to them. "What's the matter?" I asked Tory.  
  
"Gollum is giving us lots of trouble." Tory said, looking up at me from the ground (since she was sitting down).  
  
"Pleeassssseee. The rope hurtsss usssss. The pain, pleasssse take itsss off us. Rotten elvesssss they makess rope that hurtsss usss. Take it off usss pleasssee. We's swear to do what'ss you ssssay. Anything at's all. Just take is off us. Anything, anything at all." Gollum said, looking at Frodo (followed me) and I.  
  
"Anything at all?" Frodo asked Gollum.  
  
"Yess, anything at all. We's swear to do what the master sayss." Gollum said looking scared. If you ask me, I was very close to cracking up. His face was so funny. You know, that scared and sweet look.  
  
"Sam, take the rope off him." Frodo said now looking at Sam.  
  
"But Mr. Frodo." Sam started to say, but was rudely interrupted.  
  
"Why do you call me Mr. Frodo?" Frodo asked Sam.  
  
"Ok, Frodo, you need an Ali lesson. You are saying it wrong. You should ask, why the hell do you call me Mr. Frodo? Okay?" I told him (he needs to have an Ali moment once in his life. lol- only the select few understand, sorry but I had to include it).  
  
"I don't understand." Frodo asked looking confused. "Take the rope off him Sam." He turned to Sam. Sam crawled toward Gollum, who was scrunched up in a ball scared half to death. Sam looked back at Frodo like, are you sure this is the right thing to do. Frodo gave Sam a look that was so cruel and evil that Sam never turned back to look at Frodo again. Sam slowly took the rope off Gollum's neck and backed away as fast ass he could. He was thinking that Gollum was going to jump up on them. But Gollum didn't move an inch; he stayed curled up in a ball right against the rock. Frodo walked up very close to Gollum so that their noses were almost touching. Then after a few seconds he backed away.  
  
"Nice master, good Sméagol." Gollum said looked around at the staring faces.  
  
"How can we trust you?" Frodo asked very seriously.   
  
"We's swears to do anything you say. We's swears on the precious to do anything you says." Gollum said sitting up straight.  
  
"Nothing you say can we trust, but if you swear on the precious, that's good enough for me; people?" Frodo said, turning around.  
  
"Fine, whatever. Can we leave; there is no food here. I'm so starved." Tory said, not caring one bit what Frodo was saying. It must have been, because she was the movie so many times she like memorized the whole thing. But, that is a whole different story to tell.  
  
"Tory, relax, there is no need to worry." I told her.  
  
"I'm not worrying, I'm Hungry!" She screamed in my face.  
  
"Thank you Captain Obvious. I already got the point. But twice can't hurt either." I said.  
  
~*~  
"Hurry hobbities, and weird people. We're almost there." Gollum said running ahead of us. I turned around to see Tory and Sam lacking.   
  
"We need a break." Sam said, coming to a complete stop.  
  
"No, no, not now we must keep going. We're almost out of the mountains. Please don't stop now." Gollum said looking back at Sam and Tory.  
  
"Fine, but where are you taking us?" Sam said, looking curiously at Gollum.  
  
"A ways over there." Gollum said pointing in the direction we were headed.  
  
"I know that, but where?" Sam said, getting mad.  
  
"Marshes." Gollum said very fast and started up again. So, once Sam got his sorry fat ass moving, we got out of the mountains really fast. It smelled so bad though, I thought I was going to throw up or something. Since I was walking right behind Frodo I wasn't in the mood for throwing up on him. If you think about it, it might leave a bad first impression. You know what I mean.   
  
"My precious, will come back to me, gollum, gollum." I could hear Gollum say under his breath. What a loser! We had stopped for a while because Tory and Sam were complaining so much about how they had to rest. I sat on the cold ground next to the fire we had made. For hours we saw nothing of Gollum. Where he was, was beyond our reach. I turned to Tory and said  
  
"Guess what!"   
  
"What?!"  
  
"Sam's gay." I said as a smile came across my face.  
  
"No he's not!" Tory protested.  
  
"I was talking to Frodo, and it was really clear. He like admitted it too." I said.  
  
"I don't believe you. Everyone thinks that he is, and why don't they give him a chance?" Tory said. I didn't say anything more, for I saw Frodo, Gollum, and Sam walk toward us.  
  
"We must go. There is something fishy around here." Frodo said as he got closer to us.  
  
"Alright, I'm ready. Tory?" I told Frodo.  
  
"Fine, whatever. At least I got some rest." Tory said as she got up. In the dark, she looked really depressing.  
  
"Let's go then. Gollum we're right behind you." Frodo said as Gollum started to lead the way. She walked into the dark fog; not knowing what would come or happen next.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
~Notes to Reviewers~  
  
Written by Tory because she is obviously the one that loves reviews!  
  
I've been meaning to do this for a while, but never got the chance. To all who reviewed- thanks! I didn't think we would get this many reviews! But this is the first story we have published on ff.net. We're glad (most of) you loved it! Thanks to:  
  
FreakyGurl12: Girl, you freaky! It feels good to have a fan so.........involved! I hope Sam and Frodo won't fall to a fiery death because Sam is cool and Nina would kill me if Frodo died! And yes, I know Aragorn is hot! VERY hot! HOT HOT HOT!!!  
  
Nina: I know you hate me for my "everyone/Frodo" jokes, but they're still coming. Mwahaha! I don't really give if Frodo is gay or not. It seriously don't matter to me, of course, everyone else has something to say about that. Obviously Arwen is not going to fit into the story because I hate Arwen! Of course, she will be in my "why-Eowyn-is-better-than-Arwen" list.  
  
Jess: I'm glad you like it. I'm sorry, I know you were watching Halloween with the "real Mike Meyers". I'm not changing it! Yes, I know curse words are bad.... I'm trying to cut back on them. My brother made up a list of them that I used in the story and showed it to my mom. What a weirdo.  
  
Sarina: You have to like Lord of the Rings! It's just MANDATORY! lol. Spanish Green Tomatoes are green green green and cool!!! I don't think I am that fast of a runner, but I'm probably faster than I make myself look in here. I also like riding a lot more.  
  
Salina: You are wrong! Hobbits are not helpless. Though Frodo always needs help from Aragorn.......... (Damn my sick mind! Stop Thinking!) You can have your opinions about Frodo being gay... I personally don't care. Ali made him gay of course. Now she's on Nina's proscription list along with me, Annie and you. lol.  
  
Tengwar: Thanks! I was so happy when I saw that we were on your favorite stories list! It made my day!  
  
Catherine: How many times do I have to tell you that you are not an elf person? You get Merry! There is nothing wrong with him! I checked myself! lol. He is cool and Haldir remains locked up in MY basement! Haldir: Save me Catherine! *gets hit over the head with a pair of dirty socks* *keels over*  
  
asyr: Thank you! *does a jig* *fails miserably* *big grinz any way*  
  
Annie: I'm sorry but I think you are on a waiting list for Legolas. Anyway aren't you dropping your Leggy for someone else anyway????  
  
Nicole: Thank you!  
  
Googlepuss: Thanks. Yea I like some of the TP Mary Sues. I was actually wrting one before I was obsessed with Lord of the Rings. I didn't continue it. Maybe I should though. Hmmm....  
  
Siren: Yes! Go me! It's my birthday! We gonna party like it's my birthday! lol.  
  
Vze4bsj: I am going to keep the title of the story the same. I like it! Maybe you should change your name thought. It's a bit hard to type... Yes, we have attracted a lot of weirdos! Just look at the review page!  
  
To everyone: Yes, I know I have a sick mind!!! Everyone says that!!! And if you want to have a cat fight for Legolas or whether Frodo is gay.... go right ahead!  
  
Thank you thank you thank you all for reviewing! Until the next chapter-  
  
~*~Tory~*~ 


	13. Tory's Chapter 13: In Which Rap Makes a ...

Tory and Ali Screw wit Lord of the Rings  
  
Chapter 13 (oh no its unlucky 13 help us from the superstitious people)  
  
A/N: This is not my best chapter. I was very stressed while writing this, so it isn't my best work. (I actually think that Chapter 7 is the best.......lol) This is short. Very short.  
  
Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, I just play with them once in a while. Also 50 Cent owns the song "In Da Club" and Eminem owns "Without Me" and "Lose Youself". Sir Mixalot owns "Baby Got Back".  
  
We stood on the edges of the Dead Marshes. It smelled dreadful.  
  
"Come on hobbitses! Long way to go!" Gollum said. Sam looked at Frodo as if to say 'Why the heck are we following him?'. Frodo shrugged and gave him a look as if to say 'We have to," Sam sighed and followed his 'master' (brain - do not think about that) into the bog. Ali and I followed close behind.  
  
After 10 minutes I had stepped in about 4000 little slime holes and had swamp gunk up to my knee. Ali was clean. Oh this cruel, cruel world.  
  
~*~*~  
  
We have been walking in this marsh forever, it seems. The smell is so awful you can't describe it. It smothers you; it gets in your nose, mouth, and every pore of your body. I would kill to have a nice shower right now. I am so disgusting. After being in this stinkhole, you think I would get used to the smell, but no it still stinks.  
  
"I am so nasty," I said to Ali.  
  
"You have said that about a hundred times." She said, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Sor-ry" I said grumpily. My thoughts drifted to home. I missed my family (except for my brother, urg) and my friends. I wanted to tell my Gollum-obsessed friends that I had met Gollum. I'm sure Ali wanted to brag to our Legolas fan-girl friends *AnnieJessica* that she had actually met the tree hugging elf and kissed him A LOT.  
  
"Shit" I cursed as I stepped in the 4001st little stinkhole.  
  
"Tory, keep up! You're worse than Sam." Ali yelled.  
  
"Sssssh! We mussst be ssssilent!" Gollum hissed. I smirked at Ali. She frowned and turned away. Our small party trudged on.  
  
It was quite uneventful until Sam looked down and saw the dead face floating next to him. He screamed a girly scream. Ali snickered.  
  
"There are dead faces in there!" he yelled.  
  
"Yesssss. Men and elvessss and orcsesss too. A great battle wassss fought here. Thissss isss why it isss the Dead Marshesssss. Watch out or you go down to join the dead ones and they will light candlessss of your own." (A/N: That didn't make sense but I can't remember what he said. Guess I have to see that movie AGAIN!) Gollum hissed and slunk away. I didn't understand what he said, but not ending up dead was a good idea. I was more careful after that.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I lagged for a bit behind the group, going slowly and trying not to step in holes. I heard Sam yell "Mr. Frodo!" and a splash. I whipped around. Frodo had fallen in the water. Now maybe we would get out of here sometime soon and not in the next Age.  
  
Gollum pulled him out and whispered to him. I think Gollum had a thing for Frodo. I dunno, just an educated guess.  
  
As I caught up to the little group, Ali called "Hey, you missed the party." She laughed.  
  
"Ha ha. In this stinking place, they don't know the meaning of 'party'." I grumbled.  
  
"But we know the meaning of party!" she said grinning. Oh no, not another Ali scheme. She started to dance and sing.  
  
"Go, go, go, go shawty, It's your birthday."  
  
"We gon' party like it's your birthday," I joined in.  
  
"We gon' sip Bacardi like it's yo birthday and you know we don't give a fuck, its not your birthday!" We sang together. The hobbits and Gollum looked at us like we were crazy. We didn't disappoint them, we are! I had a really good idea. I whispered it to Ali and she looked at me like I was crazy, then grinned and nodded.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"I like big butts and I cannot lie  
  
You other brothers cant deny,  
  
when a girl walks in wit an itty bitty waist  
  
and a round thing in your face  
  
You get Sprung!"  
  
The hobbits were rapping. To Big Butts. Ali and I were laughing so hard. It was scary.  
  
We had rested about an hour earlier, when Ali and I were singing "In Da Club". I had an idea to teach the hobbits to rap. They are crazy about it now. We taught them "Without Me", "Lose Yourself" and now we were teaching them "Baby Got Back." I wish Jess could have seen them. She was so good at the butt slapping dance that goes to it. Ali was teaching them that now. Hobbits...... and butt-slapping ......equals probably the funniest thing I have ever seen.  
  
They were really bad. Really really really really really really bad. We got Gollum to do the Gollum-Butt-Dance (you know, the one he does in the movie) while the hobbits were slapping their butts and rapping. Damn, if they weren't in front of me I would have thought it was another of my crazy dreams.  
  
Ali laughed so hard she fell over into one of those pools of slime. I held out my hand to her to help her out.  
  
"Oh. MY. GOD!" she laughed. "I think that was the best idea you have had in years. The only idea you have in years." She laughed at her own joke.  
  
"Oh thanks" I said, pushing her. She slipped and fell in the slime hole again. Ha ha, she had the reflexes of GIMLI!  
  
"Sorry," I said, laughing and not really meaning it. I put my hand down again to help her out again.  
  
"Bitch!" she said, and pulled me down next to her.  
  
"Hey, well I'm just a bitch, but you, you're the bitch across the street." I told her.  
  
"Yea, ha ha." She said sarcastically. (but she was smiling.) "You're worse than I am."  
  
"Oh is that so?" I asked. "You wanna fight, huh?" I threw swamp crap at her. I hit her in the face. Oops!  
  
"You @*#&!*@&#!*@&#!*@&#*!@#*&!@*#&!(cursing censored out for the kiddies and because Ali has said that she has given up cursing for Lent)!" Ali yelled. The hobbits stared at us in disbelief. (They didn't even know what that meant!) She picked up a huge handful of slimy stuff that looked kinda like seaweed.  
  
She grabbed me and shoved it in my face. I sat down, hard, into a puddle. I spat out the mud that had worked its way into my mouth.  
  
"Oooo, you're asking for it girl!" I shouted. I got up jerkily and started to chase Ali around the little strip of land that we were standing on.  
  
The hobbits had become our cheerleaders.  
  
"Run, Ali, run!" Frodo yelled.  
  
"Go get her, Tory!" That was Sam. I ran as fast as I could. We were up to our knees in swamp gunk. I (having longer legs) caught up to Ali quickly. I grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her headfirst into the swamp. She fell. Headfirst. Into the swamp. I was dead meat.  
  
Ali came up. She was covered in swamp crap. She looked the like "The Creature from the Black Lagoon." It was really funny and I couldn't help laughing. She looked really mad though.  
  
"Oops." She charged at me. You couldn't almost see the steam coming out of her ears. I dodged her and tried to run away. I was gaining ground when-  
  
"OOF!" I fell. I think I was tripped, because I am not that clumsy to trip over my own feet, no matter WHAT Ali says.) Suddenly Ali grabbed me. I was in big doodoo. She might be shorter than me, but she was stronger. She dragged me along the ground until I was in about a foot of mud. Then she dunked me. We were now both covered from head to toe in mud. The hobbits and Gollum weren't and they were staring at us as if we were freaks. I pointed that out to Ali. Differences forgotten, we prepared for war.  
  
"Mud fight!" I yelled, slinging mud at Frodo (I think he was the one that tripped me.) It caught him on the side of the head.  
  
"Mr. Frod-" Sam's cry of sympathy turned into mud spitting as Ali's mud-ball hit him in the mouth.  
  
"You go girl!" I yelled throwing more mud at random hobbits now. We were slowly, but surely turning the hobbits into monsters from the Black Lagoon. The hobbits looked confused as we pelted them with mud, then they snapped out of their blonde moment and grabbed some mud.  
  
"For the Shire!!!" they yelled. They charged at us, throwing swamp crap! Hard!  
  
"Aieeeee!" I yelled running away. I was trying to find cover, but there was none. I got hit again and again by the well aimed mud balls. These hobbits could be really good baseball players. Their strike zone was probably 3 inches by 3 inches and they could throw really well.  
  
"Tory, your idea is not working!" Ali yelled, ducking. A mud ball came over her head and hit me in the mouth. YUCK! Ali cracked up. She fell over laughing. Into more mud. Frodo and Sam had reached us at this point. They were just about ready to throw another handful of mud, when I held up my hands.  
  
"Peace, hobbits, peace. No more mud throwing. It won't do anything. We are already so covered we can just lie here and the orcs will step on top of us and not know we are here." I explained. The hobbits nodded and dropped the mud.  
  
"We have to get on our way." said Frodo.  
  
"I agree." agreed Sam.  
  
"Ok." Ali said. "Let's go." She gestured to Gollum. "Come on, Gollum! We're leaving!"  
  
Gollum slunk (A/N: Is it slunk or slinked? They both sound wrong. Moving on.....) Gollum slunk over to us. He was muttering something like "Ssssssstinky hobbitsssessss.....sssssmell bad..." He was right. We smelled SO BAD. It was just NASTY! I couldn't wait to meet Farimir's crew while stinking worse than B.O. (sarcasm people, sarcasm). Hopefully we would get to a river or stream or puddle so I could wash up. I think I remembered one from the movie, but I only saw it 6 times so I'm not sure. I MISS SHOWERS!!!! 


	14. Ali's Chapter 14: A World Gone Wrong

Tory and Ali Screw with Lord of the Rings  
  
Chapter 14:  
Gollum was out of site. Where the hell has he gone? We were walking and calling his name. He lost us, or we lost him, whatever. Move your body up and down; make your booty touch the ground. I was singing Bootylicious to help my brain stay sane. You grab your girls, and you grab a couple more and you can all meet me in the middle of the floor, the air is thick smelling right so you pass to the left, and sail to the  
  
"Hello mud face?" Sam screamed, to his right. Still trying to stay sane, and find Gollum.  
  
"Try crap smelling ass." I muttered. I was starting to get really mad, where had he gone? But again, whatever.  
  
~*~  
  
We had decided to get some sleep. I think it was the best idea anyone had had yet. I took a seat on the ground and looked up into the misty, dark black sky. Then out of no where, I heard a cry. Almost like a cry of an animal, but far away. By this time, Gollum had come back and was jumping up and down. I looked at him for a moment, and then changed my focuses back to the sky. A large creature was forming in the great clouds of mist and steam. The creature was very large, with great out stretched wings. On top of this large animal was another creature that was dressed in pink. PINK? But wait, in the movie, that creature thing was black, ok, someone is messing with this story (apparently that would be me). As the winged creature came into focus, you could tell it was a great large dragon. You could also see that the thing sitting on it was wearing a hot pink shirt, and a black skirt. Ok, we get some black in there (Yeah!). The creature had high platform shoes on, and hair pulled back messy (almost like they were going to a big party in New York City (wait, we're no where near New York City. No fair, boohoo). It was wearing a whole ton of makeup, which made it look even worse than it would it the makeup was off. Its lips were bright, hot pink just like its shirt, but brighter. The eyes lids were covered in bright blue eye shadow. And worst of all, its nails were painted bright hot yellow. They shined in the dark, and almost make it seen like the sun had come out. Then I heard another cry, but this time it wasn't a cry. The creature was singing, I'm With You. It was making Avril seem like the best singer in the world. Wait, is that possible? Good, I didn't think so (sorry to you Avril fans, but as you can tell, I really don't like her songs. They play them so much on z100 that it gets really annoying. Almost as annoying as Tory bothering my to right chapter 14, grrrrrrrr.) I came back to the real world to see that Tory, Frodo, Sam and Gollum were all trying to fit under one tiny bush. Maybe if Sam wasn't so fat, then we could all fit under the bush (that includes me, lol) So, I got up and ran over to them, so the creature thing wouldn't see me. Well if I just stood there, they would never be able to see me because I'm all covered in mud (thanks Tory, and hobbits). The creature thing was coming closer, and closer to us. Frodo was moving his fingers closer and closer to each other.  
  
"Mr. Frodo, no!" Sam screamed at the top of his lungs, and hit Frodo's hands. Frodo was just starting to come back to the real world again. "Oh Mr. Frodo are you ok?" Sam asked as he kissed Frodo on the check. A moment later, they were both making out in front of us (us as in- Tory and Me)   
  
~*~  
  
I need to make this clear to all you Elijah Wood fans. Tory and I have been getting lots of reviews saying that Elijah Wood isn't gay. So we are going to make this really clear to you. Elijah Wood = straight Frodo Baggins = 100% gay Thank you, now back to the story ~*~  
  
~*~  
  
"Oh, please!" I screamed as I ran out from under the bush thing. "That is more then enough. I'm leaving!" I jumped up off the ground, and started walking. I heard someone come up to me and grab my shirt.  
  
"You can't leave remember, we can't leave. I really don't want to be stuck in Middle Earth, and never get anywhere. Never mind. You can't leave, and that's that." Tory whispered in my ear. I didn't turn to look at her. I think I was really planning to walk away. I'm not sure what I was thinking.  
  
"Alright, but if I'm staying we are leaving right now." I said, turning to look at her. "I can't stand another minute in this hell hole. It stinks so badly."   
  
"Ok, I'll tell them we need to go right now." Tory said as she turned around to inform the madly gay hobbits. I took one last look at them, before I turned away again. They were still mackin' away. Gross.   
  
"Sam, hold on. What Tory?" Frodo said pushing Sam away from him.  
  
"Ali wants to leave right away. So get up and start walking." Tory told the helpless, hopeless, pathetic hobbits.  
  
~*~  
  
To take up time, I thought of a song:  
  
I stink  
  
You stink  
  
Cause we're in the dead marshes.  
  
I stink  
  
You stink  
  
Cause we have no access to water  
  
I stink  
  
You stink  
  
Because our leader is Gollum  
  
I stink  
  
You stink  
  
Because we were throwing gunk at each other  
  
I stink  
  
You stink  
  
Because we just do!  
  
It's not the best song in the world; I think it could do at a time like this. Ok, let's skip the walking part of this story.   
  
~*~  
  
"Mordor here we come!" Frodo screamed at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Thank you captain obvious." I said, still in a bad mood, well not a bad mood. Just grossed out because Frodo and Sam were making out. Ok, it's not a happy sight to see hobbits kissing. Anyway, they were kissing wrong. I would go into detail, but it's so wrong.  
  
"What?" Frodo said confused.  
  
"Never mind." I said.   
  
"Hey look, there's the black gate." Sam said as he pointed.   
  
~*~  
  
It's either this story is wrong, or the book is wrong. For was stood in front of us was defiantly not black. More like the brightest yellow you have every seen in your life. The gate had paintings of huge flowers everywhere. It was like a great big fairy tale of Sam's coming to life. The creature on top of the wall look like the creature we had seen earlier that day. The only difference was that there was a huge flower painted on there shirts. The gate slowly started to open with grace and beauty. I look to my left to see Sam almost faint in Frodo's arms. There was an army of creature walking toward the gate. They wear dressed in light blue and bright pink shoes. At the sight of this, Sam decided to jump off the cliff that we were standing on. He wanted to go down there and meet them (and get killed, not doubt about that). At the sight of seeing his love jump off a cliff, Frodo jumped too. I saw them jump off and looked at Tory.  
  
"What the hell." I said with a smile on my face. Tory was looking at me like I was crazy. "I want some adventure." I said, and jumped off the cliff after Frodo and Sam. 


	15. Tory's Chapter 15: In the Shadow of Flor...

Chapter 15  
  
So apparently we were running/jumping down a cliff or sliding in my case or rolling in Sam's case. Hobbits are SO stupid. (A/N: *ducks as hobbit lovers throw things at her*)  
  
I was confused. I had a feeling that some things were whacked. Come on... Sauron: a hippie? No way! He was an evil war lord. Hopefully, or else the whole plot of the book is ruined. I had a spark of ingenuity. (A/N: unfortunately a spark is not a forest fire which is what I need to raise my grade in math...and Latin...and social studies () We were stuck in the Mary-Sue version of Lord of the Rings that happens when someone tries to make a parody out of a Mary-Sue!! NO ANYTHING BUT THAT!!! SAVE ME!!! I was trying not to think about that right now. Ali and I had to figure out how to get to the end of the book without dying or getting any of the major characters killed which would totally screw up the plot...the book... and the impact of this on modern society. *breathe*  
  
Ali got down to the hobbits before I did and was trying to convince them to go back up the hill. Sam wanted to stay and look at the "pretty flowers" on the gate formerly known as the Black Gate.  
  
"I want to stay and look at the pretty flowers too!" whined Frodo.  
  
"They are going to see us and capture us any minute!" Ali argued.  
  
"But-" Frodo pouted. I cut him off.  
  
"Frodo, Sam duck under your invisi-cloak thing...Ali, you go too if you can all fit. They're coming! If you can sneak away, do it. I'll be back as soon as I can. Go!" I had noticed two blue beings with pink shoes coming toward the cloud of dust we raised while we were arguing pointlessly. I now had to get the evil beings to believe that I wanted water. If this was the world I believed it was, it would work.  
  
"Where are you going?" Ali called. I ignored her and walked down to the bottom of the hill. The two ugly creatures had noticed me.  
  
"Halt, who goes there?" the larger one demanded.  
  
"Hello, do you think you could help me?" I said, smiling. "I was wondering if there was a lake around here somewhere. I'm kind of dirty." It was true. The swamp gunk was plastered all over me.  
  
"Who are you?" the larger one asked again. The smaller one was just staring. He'd probably never seen a blonde before. They aren't that common in Middle-Earth.  
  
"My name is uh... Afungalia. (A/N: pronounced "uh-FUN-ga-lee-ah") Can you point me to the nearest lake or something?" I smiled fakely.  
  
"All right, Afungalia, why are you here in Florador?" the larger one asked. Florador? What the heck? My theory had been proved. We are in Mary- Sue/parody world  
  
"Uh... I wanted to look at the pretty flowers on the gate but I got all yucky and now I want a lake." I needed time for Ali and the hobbits to get away, but not this much.  
  
"You like the flowers?" the smaller one piped in suddenly, "I painted some of them."  
  
"They're very nice" I assured him. "So do you know where a lake is?"  
  
"Yes, there's one right over there." The smaller one pointed.  
  
"Thanks." I turned to walk off.  
  
"Wait!" the larger one grabbed my shoulder and turned me around. He was quite a bit taller and I don't think I could have run away from him. "We should take her in for questioning." Ok, so this guy was smarter than I expected. "We don't really know why she is here."  
  
"I just wanted to see the flowers. Now I'm all dirty so I want a lake." I said. "You understand, don't you?" The smaller one nodded, and then elbowed the larger one.  
  
"Yes, I understand." The larger one said. "I suppose you aren't here to do anything bad to Florador or Flowron."  
  
"No I'm not." I would not want anything to do with a person called Flowron (who was probably Sauron), but I didn't say that. I really wanted to get out of here alive and with all my limbs.  
  
"Alright then. The nearest lake is over that hill to the left of the tree that looks like a man bending over to take a dump." These Florador people certainly had great imaginations.  
  
"Thanks guys. You were a great help." I lied as I turned and walked away. ~*~  
  
"Where the hell is she?" Ali muttered under her breath. She didn't want to admit it, but she was really worried about Tory. She had been 30 minutes already and that was a bit longer than was probably good here.  
  
After Tory had started to talk to the weird looking creatures, Ali had gotten the hobbits to try creep silently up the hill. (Fat Sam had slipped. Twice.) They were now camped near a tiny stream so the hobbits could wash up. Gollum was here as well and fishing for "tasssssssssty fissssssshesssssssss". Sam was looking for food and Frodo was sulking.  
  
Ali lay back on the grass. She was tired. It was all that anxiety from almost being captured by hippies (a scary predicament). I'm sure Tory will be here soon, she thought as she drifted off to sleep.  
  
~*~*~  
  
I found them near a stream. Sam was yelling at Gollum on behalf of Frodo and Ali was sleeping. I wondered how she could because Sam was yelling loud enough to bring armies from Mordor, Rivendell, and Lorien. They hadn't seen me yet.  
  
"Guys, would you please SHUT UP!" I yelled. Sam stopped yelling.  
  
"Sorry, miss, it's just that Gollum was--" he started  
  
"Sam, I think you should know by now that I really don't care. Please just cook the meal. And don't kill each other. Blood is messy and I don't want to clean it up." I turned to Ali. "Wake up slugabutt!"  
  
She opened her eyes. "Go away," she mumbled.  
  
"I'm back.... Did ya miss me?" I laughed.  
  
"Not one bit. Shut up and let me sleep. I'm tired."  
  
"Would you like some cheese with your WHINE?" I teased her. "But seriously, you have to get up. We have to get going."  
  
"No we don't. Remember this is the part where Sam and Frodo see the Oliphant and... I can't remember what happens next but I think it's important." she said. I thought for a minute. I couldn't remember what happened next either. That was probably not good.  
  
"I can't remember either. Let's have lunch now and wait to see what happens." I said. "I'm hungry."  
  
"You are ALWAYS hungry!" Ali groaned. I laughed.  
  
"I know. Let's eat." We walked over to where Sam was cooking some good smelling thing in his pots. We wolfed it down, ( I was so starved, Talking to weird colored beings takes a lot out of you.)  
  
Sam looked up halfway through the meal. "Where's Frodo?" We looked around. The hobbit was nowhere to be seen.  
  
"I'd better go look for him." Sam said, getting up.  
  
"I'll go too." I said quickly. I was bored.  
  
"I'll stay here to guard the camp." Ali said. "I'm tired."  
  
"Don't fall asleep. We'll be back soon." I called over my shoulder. We were off to see the oliphants! 


	16. Ali's Chapter 16: In Which Ali Goes Bonk...

Chapter 16  
  
Tory's Note: I can't believe this! We have over 50 reviews! So thank you to all that reviewed! It makes me insanely happy, which makes me hyper which is .........er......... interesting to say the least. So thank you to everyone who reviewed. (That doesn't mean stop reviewing, of course!!!)  
  
Just some updates (because I am too lazy to put them on the Bio thingy): By the time this chapter is posted, I could have posted some other things up on the account. So when this is up, go check it out. This story is almost over, not many chapters left probably. It will get boring if we drag it out too long (and if you think it's boring reading it, think how bored we are writing it!). There might be a sequel, there might not. Ali and I think there is a good chance there will be, but it will probably not be up for a long time. Now that it is summer, we are away a LOT and most of that time I have no access to a computer. So that's not exactly good. Chapter 17 will hopefully be up soon. Check back about 2 weeks after this is posted. New stuff will almost definitely be posted, if not a new chapter or this. Anyway, onto the story. I am such a procrastinator. I procrastinate procrastinating!  
  
Chapter 16: In Which Ali Goes Bonkers  
  
"Fine, leave me out here to die all alone, I like that. I'll keep it in mind when I go to save your ass next time." I yelled to the back of Tory. But she just kept on walking like the wind had carried my words out to sea. "All I need now is some good sleep, and an ice cream, America Online, and, and, nothing else." I laughed at my own joke, but the moment didn't last long. I could hear foot steps around me, but it was dark by then and I couldn't see who made them.   
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
People in the bushes point of view:  
  
"Hide, we have an intruder," said person # 1.   
  
  
  
"Welcome to my submarine lair. It's long and it's hard and it's full of sea men," said person #2.  
  
  
  
"Shut up," person # 1.  
  
  
  
"I'm only quoting from like the best movie on earth," person # 2 as they started to get into an attitude.   
  
  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you Equilibrium is the best movie on earth," person # 1 said, stating his case.  
  
  
  
"Whatever," person # 2 said, doing the "whatever" movement. "You are so slow on the times. I mean like get a new "good" movie because the one you have now (thanks to cj) is just plain "whatever" you want to call it (each time there's a quote around a word, the person is doing the "quote" thing with there hands)  
  
_________________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
I started to sit up, now wit a great interest on who was out there. What if they were those flower people we saw before? What if they saw us, and followed us here? (Oh no, looks like Ali's (it feels weird to be typing in the third person) Maybe I'll try singing to them. I thought up a song real fast in my head, and started singing.  
  
"La, La, La, La, dum, dum, dum. Dum de dome, dom de dom. Okay, this isn't working. I'll just have to sell myself (that doesn't sound right, well not in that kind of way, lol) Hello?" Within seconds of me saying "Hello" I felt tons of hands grab me, and tie me up. They place a blindfold over my eyes so I couldn't see who they were, or where they were taking me. "Ok, be careful with the lady. Hey watch your hands." I started saying.  
  
"Sorry," answered mystery man behind the blindfold # 1.   
  
"Take her away," said mystery man behind the blindfold # 2. Great they were taking me somewhere, without me even seeing where I was walking. What a blast this will be!  
  
"Ok, if you taking me away, at least tell me where I'm going. It just so happens I'm blindfolded in the middle of the night, where I can't see anything anyway, and people are taking me somewhere. What fun?" I told all the mystery men behind the blindfold. This feels like a show game.   
  
The Game Show Ali Made Up While The People Were Taking Her Places.!!!!!!!  
  
Game Show Host: The prize behind curtain number 5 is a piece of cloth. That's all you've won.   
  
Person who won: Gee, thanks. I wonder what kind of fun stuff I can do with a piece of cloth.  
  
Game Show Host: Let me give you a hint....NOTHING!!!!! Hahahaha, you're so stupid a piece of cloth is worthless.   
  
Person who won: Oh, that's too bad. I was hoping to sell it on E-Bay and start the bidding at $1,000.  
  
Meanwhile:  
  
Tory, Frodo and Sam were witnessing the same thing Ali was. And they were experiencing something new.   
  
Flashing News:  
  
Gollum is not with anyone. Ali has been captured and thinking about game  
shows. She has become very confused and is in an abnormal state.  
  
This message flashed out at them while they were walking thought the woods before they were captured. (I'm acting very odd, while writing this. I'm getting pissed off about window sills, pushing people to their deaths out the window sills, people staring, and dissing contests in a library. So the stuff I'm writing is abnormal.)  
  
No, actually there was not flashing sign there wasn't anything to tell them. From writing that I would have to write from Tory's perspective and I really don't think I can do that. So Tory, you can take the stage again, and tell what happened to you, Frodo and Sam while I got caught. 


	17. Tory's Chapter 17: Where we FINALLY get ...

Chapter 17 (wow we wrote a lot!)  
  
A/N: I can't believe this! We have over 50 reviews! So thank you to all that reviewed! It makes me insanely happy, which makes me hyper which is .........er.........interesting to say the least. So thank you to everyone who reviewed. (That doesn't mean stop reviewing, of course!!!) Just some updates: By the time this chapter is posted, I could have posted some other things up on the account. So when this is up, go check it out. This story is almost over, not many chapters left probably. It will get boring if we drag it out too long (and if you think its boring reading it, think how bored we are writing it!). There will be a sequel, so keep checking out for that. Anyway, onto the story. I am such a procrastinator. I procrastinate procrastinating!  
  
Chapter 17  
  
I crept along behind Sam (well I crept, he thundered).  
  
"Mr. Frodo?" Sam called loudly, "Mr. Frodo, where are you?" I kicked him.  
  
"Ow, what was that for?" He yelled.  
  
"We have to be quiet!" I whispered.  
  
"Oh. Sorry." He whispered back. "Mr. Frodo!"  
  
His "whisper" was so loud, I'm sure Ali heard it back at camp. I rolled my eyes. No use talking to him. We crept (and thundered) a bit further until we hit a clearing with a straight drop from the edge of it. There was Frodo, watching a scene below him.  
  
"Mr. Frodo!" Sam rushed over to the hobbit, almost knocking him over in an embrace (a friendly one).  
  
"Shh, Sam, look!" Frodo pointed over the edge of the drop. Sam and I peeked over.  
  
Some sort of battle was going on below and it was chaos. The men we could see were being slaughtered by men we couldn't see. One after another, men would just fall, stuck with arrows from invisible opponents. Suddenly a large creature came into view. It walked calmly among the men, even though it was more that three times taller than the tallest. Men were on it's back in some contraption that looked like a sedan chair.  
  
"Oliphunt," breathed Sam. "It's an Oliphunt!" His face lit up. Frodo was staring, wide-eyed.  
  
Abruptly, an arrow lodged behind its ear, shot by one of the invisible men. It reared and trumpeted. I thought I heard my eardrums pop. Then it charged. Straight for US! Men fell off as I scrambled to one side and Frodo and Sam scrambled to another. I landed in a bush. A thorn bush.  
  
"Ouch!" I yelled as I squirmed out of the bush. Or at least I tried to squirm out of the bush. A strong arm grabbed my waist and a hand was over my mouth before I could yell. I was then pinned to the ground. I tried to kick my attacker but I was laying facedown in dirt, my attacker's body on top of me. I tried to scream again. No sound came out. I was beginning to panic. Where were these people going to take me? Why did they want me? And most importantly, What were they going to do with me?  
  
From my vantage point in the bushes, I could see Frodo and Sam get up and talk to each other. They started to walk off, only to find themselves in the same predicament as me (except no thorns, unfair!). Only then did I think of Ali. No one could warn her! She would be captured as well and we would all be in the same boat. Damn.  
  
Suddenly my attacker roughly dragged me upright.  
  
"Come on!" He growled. Now I could see that he was a foot taller and much more muscular than I was. I decided NOT to struggle. A broken limb would not do anything good for our situation.  
  
"What do you want us to do with them now?" the man holding Sam asked.  
  
"Tie their hands and blindfold them." said the man holding Frodo. He was tall, with longish hair. He looked a bit familiar.  
  
"Wait!" I yelled. "You can't - mmmmph!" My plea for help was cut off by my attacker forcing my mouth open and stuffing a gag in.  
  
"Don't tell us what we can't do, girl. Because we can." The tall man with the longish hair hissed at me. I yelled at him, but no one could understand what I was saying because of the gag. (Probably just as well, it was R-rated language.)  
  
"If you resist, we will carry you." The same man said. "Do you want to be carried?" I glared at him. Of course I didn't, but I wasn't going to let him get the better of me. I wish I hadn't been born so stubborn.  
  
"I take that as a yes." He motioned to my attacker. My attacker shrugged, picked me up, and then slung me over his shoulders like a sack of grain. Grrrr....  
  
"Now, girl, if you move, I'll kill you," said the tall man with the longish hair, taking out his sword and putting it up to my neck. Little did he know.........heh heh heh. "Men, we move on." Oh damn, Sam, Frodo, and I certainly were in some sort of situation. I could only hope that Ali was okay and was in a good enough mood to save us. 


	18. Ali's Chapter 18: The SoCalled Gorge

Tory and Ali screw With Lord of the Rings  
  
Chapter 18: The So Called Gorge  
  
Of course I was in the mood of helping them escape but, as you can tell from chapter 16, I was captured as well (sorry, that chapter was really weird, but I thought we needed a strange chapter). I had no clue where they where going to take me. Everything was a big mystery. Damn when you really need Tory, she's never there. Like she knows the books for memory, and could probably tell me who has me captive, and where they're taking me.  
  
It seemed like they where walking for hours, or maybe days. How could I tell, as you know I'm blindfolded (lol)? So being thrown over someone's back for many hours, or many days really sucks. I think you should try walking in my shoes right now, maybe then you would get what I'm trying to tell you.   
  
~*~  
  
The pace of the walking slowed down, and they moved in many different directions now. One moment they where walking to the right, and the next moment they where walking to the left. Almost like they were dodging plants, trees, and big fat bushy bushes (lol that sounds funny, it's almost like big chocolate chip cookies, hey I think I'm going to get myself some right now. Writing this can wait, but eating cookies can't, lol).   
  
  
Then with a sudden movement everyone stopped, and everything went really quiet. I could hear a faint scratching noise that sounded very far away. Then a sudden click and I was picked up again and the walking started for the second time.   
  
  
"Was that the sound of a key being poked into the key hole, or am I going crazy?" I thought to myself, and the man holding me, and I think the rest of the men walking with us, climbed up a flight of stairs.   
  
  
"Put her down." A voice said to the man holding me. Then I was lifted off of the man's shoulder and thrown against a wall (which felt like a rock wall, or like a cave or something, mind you), which I bounded off and fell onto the floor without expecting anything. I could feel someone breathing into my ear, like they were ready to tell me something. "I think we can take the blindfold off now. Is that okay with you?"  
  
  
"Oh, that's more than okay with me. I would really much rather have the blindfold off than on, that's only what my eyes see isn't appealing." I said back to the soft little voice that first whispered into me ear.   
  
Within seconds of responding back to the voice, the blindfold was taken off and what was before me amazed me. There below me was the most beautiful pool of water I had every seen. You could clearly see to the bottom, which was filled with rocks. In the farther right hand side of the pool there was a waterfall. Where the water was coming from was unknown. It was like magic possessed the water to keep it flowing. It almost seemed like it was a gorge in the middle of nowhere, because there was mountain walls covering each side of the pool. And yet, it wasn't a gorge, because it was just a pool that was filled up by the waterfall draining into the pool. Even the waterfall was flowing down a mountain wall. It was in like a little storage cave with crates piled up everywhere that were filled with supplies. It looked like it was a rest stop almost, so if you where going on a long journey then you would stop for like a few days, to rest, and pick up again (I don't feel like I really need to explain it anymore to you in detail because as I assume you have all seen the movie, so the details can stop). I looked in to the cave, and was amazed at who I saw.. 


	19. Tory's Chapter 19: The End of the Advent...

Tory's Chapter 19: The End of The Adventure  
  
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. Every bone in my body was jolted out of its socket and I was probably going to have bruises in places I didn't even want to think about. Being carried on the back of a person was worse than riding a horse on a wooden saddle. I would LOVE to ride a horse right now. I was slung across the back of a man who seemed to hate me. He seemed to jostle me more than it was actually necessary. I love my life.  
  
"Men, stop here." I heard a voice call out. I got put down, thank holy Iluvitar. I wiggled my legs a bit and kick flesh. I heard a yelp and curses. Whoops, not.  
  
"Un-gag and take off her blindfold her, but hold her down." I heard the voice say again. Hands circled my head and took the blindfold and gag off. The first thing I saw was Sam and Frodo lying in a heap on the ground. We seemed to be in a clearing of some sort. The tall man with the longish hair was looking at me.  
  
"Who are you?!" I yelled. "Why did you do this to us?! We didn't do anything to you!!"  
  
"The captive should not ask questions of the captor." He said, "We will ask the questions. Who are you?"  
  
"My name is Tory. I could talk better if your men would let go of me!" I told him.  
  
"Let go," he said to his men. "Now you can talk. Are you a spy?"  
  
"Who would I be a spy for?" I asked him, "Whose side are you on?"  
  
"Answer my questions, girl. Do not ask your own." He unsheathed his sword and put it to my throat. (Little did he know it was probably not the smartest thing to do). "Answer the question."  
  
"I'm not a spy for anyone!! Why won't you let us go???!!! We didn't do ANYTHING!!!"  
  
"Girl, if you will not answer my questions I will cut your throat. Why were you there?" He looked angry.  
  
"I was with the two hobbits. We were taking a rest from our journey."  
  
"What journey would this be?" I glared at him. "Answer me, girl." I kept glaring at him. "All right then." He ran the sword along my neck, cutting open one of my scabs from Aragorn (good memories!). He sheathed the sword without cleaning my blood off it. "You will talk. I will make sure of that personally." He turned to his men. "Blindfold her and gag her. We move on." Whoop de doodle doo.  
  
~*~*~  
  
I had no idea what time it was or whether it was day or night. All I knew was that I hurt so much, more than I had ever hurt before. Some one could poke me and I would probably fall apart. The only thing that kept me from going insane was the songs I sung to myself. I had probably sung more songs than an I-Pod has stored in it. All that time I kept wondering wonderfully depressing things like: What were they going to do to us? Where was Ali and was she okay? Where were Sam and Frodo?  
  
Oh help. I felt like we were going uphill now. Gravity pushed me closer to my attacker's mouth and man did he have bad breath. Yuck. He needed a tic-tac. Not a tic, not a tac, but the whole damn pack. I laughed as I remembered hearing that for the first time. It seemed to have been a very long time ago. I think Ali and I had been in Middle-Earth for about two weeks, but I couldn't be sure. Oh please, I prayed to all the gods I knew, let us stop, please. I'll be nicer to everyone and not argue when I have to do things and not talk in class and do my ALL homework and not get detention, just PLEASE let us stop.  
  
"Men, put them down." I was imagining that voice. I was dreaming too much and now I had finally lost it. Then I fell on my head. Talk about reality check. Hands took off my blindfold and gag. I wasn't dreaming! We really stopped!! At that thought, bright light invaded my vision.  
  
I think I must have passed out. It looked like a few minutes had passed. I regained my sight and I saw where we were. We seemed to be in a cave, except there was a waterfall that came down in front of the opening. I stood up to take a closer look and fell flat on my face. Whoops, forgot I was tied up. I heard laughter. I whirled around as much as my bound legs and hands would let me. It was the tall man with the reddish hair. When would he go away?! I glared at him.  
  
"I will untie you and give you food if you answer my questions. If not, I will cut the throats of you and your companions. Speak quickly."  
  
"Um......I was going to......Gondor. I, uh, met the hobbits and, uh, adopted them as traveling companions. I do not know where they are going. That's the truth." I said, lying through my teeth. I smiled at him. "Please untie me now."  
  
"I will untie you and give you food. But if I find out your story is not true, I will find the truth and then I will kill you." He said, untying me. "Food is through that door. I have taken your hobbit friends to another room. Do not look for them. Other prisoners may come into the room but you must stay with the food until I come and get you. That is an order. Do you understand?"  
  
"Yes." I said. He turned to walk away. Somehow, I knew him. His name was on the tip of my tongue. It was..... "Farimir!" He turned around. I blushed. "That's your name." I said stupidly.  
  
"Yes it is." He then became suspicious. "How do you know my name? Who told you?"  
  
"I must have overheard it from one of your men. "I lied. He nodded and started out the door, then stopped.  
  
"What is your name?" Farimir asked. I was surprised. He actually wanted to carry on a civil conversation.  
  
"Tory. My name is Tory." He nodded again.  
  
"I have never heard that name before, but I think it suites you." Farimir said. I was even more surprised. He wanted to be nice now?  
  
"Oh.......Thank you." There was a silence as we both tried to say something. Farimir finally broke the silence with  
  
"Eat as much as you want, but do not leave the room for any reason. I will come and get you if I need you. Do NOT leave the room." With that parting word, he swept off and left me alone. I walked over to the other cave room with the food and peeked in.  
  
Wow! What a lot of food! There were platters of meat, cups of something that looked a bit like soup, and bowls of fruits and veggies piled high in the center of the table. I decided not to eat the meat because it was Middle-Earth and you never knew if you were eating something normal, like chicken, or something like orc. Yuck. I decided to opt for fruit, veggies and bread. You can't screw up bread, right? On second thought, you probably could. I was going to stick to eating apples.  
  
I was on my fourth apple when there was a commotion outside the door. Uh-oh. I remembered what Farimir said about the "other prisoners". I was imagining big, buff, wild men or even worse, Uruk-Hai. The footsteps were coming closer. Oh dear. The footsteps got even closer. Figures came around the door. I pulled my hood over my face to look more masculine. Maybe they wouldn't attack me if they thought I was male. The figures stepped into the doorway. They didn't look too tough. One was leaning on the other and they were less than four feet tall. It was weird actually. It was.....  
  
"Sam and Frodo!" I yelled. I ran over to them, lifted them up and spun them around. "Are you guys all right? I was so worried! Do you know where Ali is?" Sam coughed. I realized I was holding them too tightly and put them down.  
  
"I am fine. Frodo doesn't seem to be doing so well." Sam spoke for both of them. "It's taking him," he whispered. I looked at Frodo. He looked a bit sick.  
  
"Come and eat," I told them. "Maybe you will feel better after some food." They sat down in silence. Both of them looked so tired. They really didn't need this. They were just hobbits! I felt so sorry for them.  
  
We sat and ate in silence. About ten minutes later, when I was on my 7th apple (good therapy food), a voice startled us out of our thoughts.  
  
"You will come with us now." It was (GUESS WHO?) Farimir. He spoke to his men and two came for each of us, one grabbing either arm. I had Farimir on my left and Needs-Tic-Tac (his Native-American name) on my right. We were escorted in that manner outside the Food Room and into a larger one. There were some men on the other side of the room. I thought I saw a familiar looking head.  
  
"AAAAAAALLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!" I yelled. She spun around.  
  
"TOOOOOORYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!" She yelled back. I tried to go to her but was held back by my guards. I kicked at Needs-Tic-Tac and he let go. Farimir didn't let go. I saw Ali try to break free from her guards and she finally pulled away. Farimir just wouldn't let go. Ali was running toward me, dodging the other men that ran at her. I was thrashing around, still trying to break free. Finally I did and started to run across to Ali when a horribly sharp pain lanced across my back.  
  
I screamed. It hurt so much. So much pain.  
  
"TORY!!!" Ali shouted. So much pain, won't go away, NO!!!! AHHH!!!!!! I blacked out.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I opened my eyes. I was looking at a wooden surface. I realized I was lying on my stomach on a table of some sort. I rolled over, and then almost shrieked. Ow, ow, pain.  
  
"Tory?" I turned my head. It was Ali. "Are you all right?"  
  
"ALI!!!" I yelled, and then winced. "What happened? Who did this to me?"  
  
"I don't know. Farimir wouldn't tell me," Ali said frowning. "It must have been one of the men trying to stop you from getting to me. They must have thought we were dangerous." She grinned.  
  
"We are!" I said grinning. "So what is actually wrong with me?"  
  
"We think you passed out from the pain. You have been out for about twelve hours, because we gave you sleeping pills. You have a large cut from the top of your left shoulder to your lower back on the right side. You're lucky you didn't cut your spinal cord. We put a weed salve thingy on it, so it will heal. It still will hurt, but at least it won't get infected." Ali said.  
  
"Since when did you become a doctor?" I asked.  
  
"Oh, Farimir taught me some stuff." She replied.  
  
"Oh?" I asked innocently. She stared at me weirdly.  
  
"No I am not having a secret relationship with Farimir! Your mind is SO bad! I love mah man, Legolas!" She yelled.  
  
"I never said anything like that. It's all in your head." I grinned.  
  
"Yea, right." Ali said. "Anyway, they wouldn't let me come and visit you until about an hour ago. They kept questioning us. They got Gollum and figured out about the ring. Now that they know the truth, they decided that I could see you. Unfortunately, you missed the Gollum song."  
  
"No! Damn, I really wanted to see that." I said.  
  
"Yea, well, it wasn't that great, so you didn't miss much." Ali said nicely, tho I knew she was just saying that. I smiled at her when suddenly Farimir burst through the door. He looked at me.  
  
"Good. You are awake." He looked at me again. At once, I realized I was under the threadbare blanket with no shirt on. Great, just my life. Good thing I was face down on the table.  
  
"Ali, please go get me a shirt RIGHT NOW!" I said, turning redder by the minute. Ali smirked at me. She thought this was funny!  
  
"Just go get her a shirt now!" Farimir barked.  
  
"All right, all right, no need to go ballistic," She muttered and left the room glaring. Farimir watched her go and turned to me. He held up a bottle.  
  
"I have to put more of this on your wound so it does not go bad." He said. I nodded. I definitely did NOT want that to happen. He came over and began to rub the salve stuff into my back. I couldn't see what he was doing but it felt really good. He could be a professional massage person with that touch. He kept on doing that for about ten minutes when Ali burst in. She looked at us.  
  
"So sorry to ruin your romantic moment. I'll leave now," she said. I guess she didn't like having people yell at her.  
  
"No, Ali, please give me the shirt," I said reaching for it. Ali had to help me put it on. It was a tunic thing, but when it touched my back, I yelped. It hurt!  
  
"Ali, do you think we could cut out the back? It really stings." I said.  
  
"Farimir, sword, now." Ali demanded. Farimir handed it over. Ali began to cut out scraps of cloth. I heard the rip of fabric and hoped she had steady hands. I like swords, but that doesn't stop them from being scary.  
  
The end result of my shirt was something like a halter top. Unfortunately I would have to wear something else when I went out side because it was so cold. Fortunately, I was not outside now.  
  
"Thanks Ali!" I said admiring my reflection in the sword. I started to get off the table, but Farimir held me down.  
  
"You can't go anywhere until you have healed." He said, pushing me back down.  
  
"I'm not a total invalid!" I protested.  
  
"Yes you are," he said.  
  
"Let me get out of bed."  
  
"No."  
  
"I promise I won't kill myself."  
  
"No."  
  
"Screw you."  
  
"Excuse me??" The look on his face was priceless. I swung myself off the table stood up and grabbed onto his shoulder so I wouldn't fall back down.  
  
"I told you," Farimir said.  
  
"I'll support myself on you and Ali." I said. He sighed. "Ali, please come over here." She came over. I put and arm around her and Farimir and hold myself up.  
  
"See, it works." I said. Ali rolled her eyes.  
  
"Come on, Tory; let's get your lazy butt going!" She said starting to walk fast out the door. I felt a little dizzy as I got up, but I was fine. I closed my eyes and suddenly.....  
  
-------------  
  
I was in the main room of the cave, sitting on the floor with Ali and Farimir. My mouth dropped open. How the heck did that happen?!? One second I was leaning on Ali and Farimir, the next minute I'm here. Ali was also looking shocked.  
  
"Tory, what the hell just happened?"  
  
"You felt it too?"  
  
"Yea. One minute we were holding you up, the next minute we're here. Am I insane?"  
  
"Yes, but what I think happened was what's called a time loop."  
  
"A what?" Ali said confusedly.  
  
"A time loop. I think it's where time skips from one place to another instead of flowing smoothly from one event to another. Our bodies continue along with the flow of time, but our minds skip randomly." I explained.  
  
"Wow," said Ali. "So you mean our minds skipped over time? That's freaky." She thought a minute. "But what did our bodies do without our minds?"  
  
I paled at the thought.  
  
"Farimir? How long has it been since I persuaded you to let me out of bed?" I asked casually.  
  
"About four hours." He said.  
  
"And what exactly did we do over those four hours?" Ali asked.  
  
"Well, Tory sang the hobbits drinking song while you danced with Sam and Frodo. Then-" he was cut off.  
  
"I WHAT?!?" Ali shrieked. Farimir looked confused.  
  
"You were there, don't you remember?" he questioned.  
  
"We're having a temporary loss of memory." I told him.  
  
"AHHHH!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I DANCED WITH HOBBITS!!!!" Ali yelled. She brushed at her arms as if getting rid of bugs (or germs).  
  
"What else did we do?" I asked, not really wanting to know.  
  
"Well, ah, er, you were, er, very, er......." he stopped, looking embarrassed.  
  
"What!?!" I demanded. He squirmed.  
  
"You were uh, very provocative," Farimir said with as straight a face as he could.  
  
"Provocative toward whom? And what kind of provocative" I asked.  
  
"Sexually provocative towards me," he said and smirked. I turned bright red. Ali started laughing hysterically. She was rolling around on the floor, holding her belly. I glared at her.  
  
"Well, uh, it wasn't, uh, exactly me in my, uh, body at that time. Ali and I are having some out of body experiences, to put it simply." I said. He looked confused, so I explained about the mind jumps.  
  
"And so since we're from another world, the Immortal Beings have decided it's time for us to go back to our world." I finished. "So if we suddenly disappear, don't be worried."  
  
"All right." Farimir said, looking a bit weirded out. I could understand though. I mean, if two weird people just suddenly dropped on my world, I would be weirded out. I would probably be weirded out so much I would run around in circles screaming bloody murder. But that's just me being me.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane, Should I bend my name, Mr. Cellophane--" I sang.  
  
"Tory, shut up." Ali said. She was standing next to me. I was sitting on a ledgy type thing because of my back. It seemed to be getting better. Farimir put some more of that smelly lotion stuff on it and it was healing nicely. Or so he said. I am utterly inflexible and can't see my back. After all, it was only a flesh wound and cut no muscle or bone. Anyway, Ali and I were next to the waterfall in the cave. (A/N: Arg, I'm so dumb, I totally forgot what it was as I'm reading "The Silmarillion" and it's confusing me! Is it Ithilien? I think so.)  
  
"You are distracting me. I'm trying to think." She said.  
  
"You can think?" I asked, laughing. She put her hand out to catch some water, then flicked it at me. "Hey!" I flicked water at her. Ali glared at me, and then went back to her "thinking face".  
  
"What are you thinking about?" I asked her. She sighed.  
  
"The mind jumps or whatever the hell they are got me thinking. We're leaving! I don't want to leave. I've complained about this a ton, but I really will miss this place when we get sucked back to our own world. I've made a bunch of great friends and Legolas is more than a friend and I have no idea when I'll see them again or if I will ever. It's extremely depressing to think about it." Ali said all in one breath.  
  
"Yea, I know what you mean." I said. "I kinda feel that way too. We probably won't ever see them again, but we can remember. We have a once in a lifetime chance here and it's crazy. We should be at my house, eating popcorn and drooling over the actors in the movie. It's CRAZY!"  
  
"You've already said that."  
  
"My head hurts from thinking about it, but fortunately my back doesn't hurt." I said. Ali laughed. She opened her mouth to say something else when  
  
-----------  
  
I was laying on the floor in a blanket somewhere. It seemed to be dark. It must be night, I thought. My head hurt from the time loop, but my back didn't hurt at all. I was really making progress here. I was as proud of myself now as I was when I made only ONE gay joke when watching Return of the King. (And it wasn't a gay hobbit joke!! It was actually a Legolas/Aragorn joke, when he was being crowned king, my friend was poking me that there was a makeout scene coming up and Aragorn put his hand on Legolas's shoulder and yea..... please don't hurt me Legolas fangirls!)  
  
I got up slowly as not to like, break something, and walked to a ledge. I could see everything from here. It was so beautiful. And so untainted by pollution or evil. Amazing.  
  
"What are you thinking about?" I whirled around. Farimir was up. "Oh, it's you."  
  
"I saw you were up. You look sad." He said.  
  
"Yes. Ali and I will be leaving soon. It's hard for me to leave this all behind. I have only known you for a while; it's hard to leave people behind. I never know when I will see you or anyone here ever again. It's depressing to think about. Ali and I were talking about this earlier." I said.  
  
"I understand." Farimir said.  
  
"My world is so much easier than yours though. I think it is much nicer in mine, but I look at myself and I look at you and your men. You fight every day just to survive. Your country is almost over run by evil and yet you still fight. It is amazing." I said, emotion cracking my voice. I'm such a sap.  
  
"Your world must be very different." Farimir said.  
  
"Yes. It is. Sadly, even though yours has more daily killing, I think our world is more tainted by evil. But that is another story." I said, and then yawned.  
  
"Oh, I am sorry to keep you up. You must go back to bed. We will be very busy tomorrow." Farimir said, gently picking me up and depositing me in my blanket.  
  
"Thanks." I smiled at him.  
  
"Goodnight." He turned to walk away.  
  
"Wait, Farimir," I called. Farimir looked back at me. "This might seem a little weird, but I have to tell you this. Your father loves you, no matter what. Remember that and don't do anything stupid." I smiled. He looked at me for a moment, then turned away hiding his face.  
  
I drifted off to sleep, dreaming of being chased by a fiery being on stilts. It chased me into a bathroom, where a bird came out of the toilet and flew around me saying "You can't budge a truck with a feather! You can't budge a truck with a feather! You can't budge a truck with a feather!"  
  
And my mother wonders why I never sleep well.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"Wakey, wakey, egs and bakey (A/N: bacon!)" A voice sang to me as I was being prodded into waking.  
  
"Erg... stop poking me." I said slowly to the malicious poker, still in my caveman stage (the stage between sleep and waking where you feel like a caveman because your legs feel like rubber and so does your brain).  
  
"Wakey, wakey eggs and bakey." The voice said again.  
  
"Really? Bacon?" I said hopefully, opening my eyes. I was thoroughly doused with freezing cold water. "AHHH!!!" I was completely awake now. Ali was standing above me with an empty dripping bucket in her hand, grinning like the evil fiend she is.  
  
"Nope no bacon, I was just trying to wake you up." Ali said.  
  
"That's MEAN!" I yelled. She grinned.  
  
"I have been poking you and yelling at you for about ten minutes when Farimir told me to wake you up immediately. This was the only way I could think of."  
  
"Thanks...." I grumbled. "Is there really bacon for breakfast?"  
  
"Nope." She tossed me an apple. "Here's your breakfast."  
  
"Is this all?" I asked. I was STARVING!  
  
"Yep. Come on, we're moving soon. Get up and get dressed. We leave in ten minutes." Ali strode away. I made a face at her back. Since when was she a drill sergeant? I stood up slowly. Suddenly there was a shooting pain to my head and-  
  
------------  
  
Ali and I were standing outside somewhere. By the placement of the sun, it looked to be about noon. Farimir and a lot of his men were walking around us. Frodo and Sam were also walking near. I recognized Osgiliath about a mile away. Ali looked a little dizzy.  
  
"Did you have another jump?" I asked. She nodded.  
  
"You?"  
  
"Yeah." I said, holding my head. Wow, those things really made me feel like someone slammed a hammer into my head. Ow.  
  
Farimir was leading the bound Frodo and Sam toward the city. He wasn't paying any attention to us. I grabbed Ali's arm.  
  
"Come on." I said, dragging her away from the group.  
  
"Where are we going?" She said, resisting.  
  
"We have to go. The jumps keep happening and soon we're going to be pulled into our own world. It would look a little weird if we just disappeared."  
  
"But you told Farimir not to be freaked if we did." She protested  
  
"But we didn't tell his men. They are superstitious and could think we're evil which could make them turn against Farimir, which would make them turn against Frodo and Sam, which would make them unable to complete the quest, which would mean that Legolas would die." I looked at her.  
  
"Okay, I get your point, let's go." Ali said. We walked away from the group using our newly acquired cloaks (which we must have gotten during the jump, I have never seen them before) to hide in the undergrowth. We ran for about three hundred yards to a patch of trees.  
  
Ali plopped down into the grass in between the trees. "Now what?" she demanded.  
  
"We wait," I said.  
  
"What!? We could be here for days!" She yelled.  
  
"Not by my calculations." I said. I was right.  
  
We hung around in the leaves, just talking for about an hour when time jumped again. There was a noise that sounded a bit like a donkey. Ali and looked at each other for a second. Suddenly I felt like someone was going through my head with a screwdriver and someone else had punched me in the guts. My vision went grey.  
  
~*~  
  
I opened my eyes. I was looking at all white, with a tiny green spot in the corner. I must be in.... middle space or something. Like where Gandalf went when he "died". I groaned and turned my head. I was in my basement, looking at the ceiling. Oops, I guess I wasn't in middle-space. The green was a mold spot. I made a mental note to clean the ceiling and pulled myself up. Ali was also sprawled on my floor, looking dead. I made sure she was still breathing, then waited for her to wake up. Five minutes later she twitched, then moaned.  
  
"My head feels like it's been in a blender."  
  
"Same." I said. Ali slowly got up.  
  
"Home, sweet home. Well, your home sweet home. I'll be in mine soon enough." She said. I looked at the clock.  
  
"Wow, it's only an hour since we left." I said flabbergasted. (A/N: FUN WORD!!)  
  
"Cool!" Ali said. "Let's do it again!" I rolled my eyes.  
  
"I have no idea how," I said dryly. She was about to say something when we heard my mom's voice calling.  
  
"Girls, are you up yet? It's time for breakfast!"  
  
"Yeah, we're coming!" I called back. I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. I screamed in shock.  
  
"What is it?" Ali asked, worried.  
  
"I'M CLEAN!!!!" I yelled. "CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN!!! YES! NO MORE DIRT!!!!" I danced around in a victory dance. I was free!!!  
  
"Come on, Tory! Let's go eat. I'm starving." Ali said smiling at my childish antics.  
  
"Race you to the stairs!" I yelled over my shoulder. I was energized. I just needed a few hours of sleep and then I would be ready to go on any other adventure that my crazy life chucked at me!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
So, this is the end!! I seriously cannot believe we finished. Amazing. It was almost a year ago when we started this. I was newish to fanfics and Ali had never heard of them. We both like Lord of the Rings, but when I told her my idea she was like "What that HELL are you talking about?" It was quite funny, really. See how much we've grown as writers. *Sniff* It's very tearful subject, not. I'm sounding like my mother (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I'm just kidding, I love you mom.  
  
I was thinking last night that I really had to get working on this. I thought, "Oh, I'll be done by the new year." Then when I woke up I realized, Oh right, tomorrow is January 1st. I wrote more than half of this today in a mad panic. I set weird limits for myself.  
  
This is the first multi-chapter fic I have EVER finished. WHOOO HOOO!!! PROPS FOR ME!!  
  
Thank you to all the reviewers: she-boz, silvervail, Lady Lanet, saddlestar17, Lalalala Blah blah blah blah, amanda, lila, Catherine, tuxiedog2, ellimere, C.J, annie, Nina, Alex Tufano, Fiona, Christine, Evvie, Crimson Starlight, Jessica, Freakygurl12, asyr, salina, Tengwar, Siren, Googlepuss, and Nicole. I swear, you guys ROCK! You all deserve cookies. Lots of cookies. LOTS AND LOTS OF COOKIES!!! Erk, I'm making myself hungry.  
  
If you want to be emailed when and if Ali and I do a sequel, please tell me. We are pretty sure we WILL do a sequel, but school is taking too damn much of our time and it could not happen. I don't know. If anyone has anything to say on that, you can email me (birdie2889@aol.com) or REVIEW!!! (my personal choice heh heh heh).  
  
Last of all, I would like to say that Ali, my partner in crime (or in the Dead Marshes, partner in SLIME! Yuck) rocks. She's a greatly hilarious person and a great person to write with. She wrote all the even numbered chapters. She is sick right now, but we all hope she gets better soon.  
  
I have nothing more to say, so this is then end!!! AH! I'm gonna cry. But some eternal wisdom from my hero, Doctor Seuss: "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." Even if you didn't like the story, remember that! I LOVE YOU ALL!! Goodnight! 


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